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Posts Tagged ‘Jokes’

A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.

The priest looked and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.

The boy replied, “You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my book bag!”

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Irish Smile

New Irish Priest in Boston Father Kelly rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Southie parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of hisfront lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Leone. How might I help you?” “And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father Kelly at St.Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind asto send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter? Sergeant Leone, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father Kelly then replied: “Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin”.

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Middle Age

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up”?
God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the car?”
God replied, “Girrrlllllll, I didn’t even recognize you

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Duck Bill

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned
because the duck wouldn’t eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age
their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and
make it difficult for the animal to pick up it’s food.

“What you need to do is gently file the upper bill
down even with the lower bill.

But you must be extra careful because the duck’s
nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down
too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it’ll
drown.”

The man goes about his business and about a week later
the Doctor runs into his patient.

“Well, how is that duck of yours?” the Doctor
inquires.

“He’s dead,” declared the heartbroken man.

“I told you not to file his upper bill down too far!

He took a drink of water and drowned didn’t he?”
insisted the Doctor.

“No.” lamented the man. “I think he was dead before I
took him out of the vise.”

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A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

“Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?” “To kill my husband.”

“I can’t sell you arsenic to kill a person!”

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist’s wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. “I didn’t realize you had a prescription!”

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One Easter Sunday


One Easter Sunday in a large Baptist church in Birmingham, Al., the minister decided to have all the young children come forward to the front of the sanctuary in their new Easter outfits for a quick “children’s sermon.” He couldn’t help but notice one especially pretty little blond-haired, blue-eyed girl about five or six years old. She was wearing a beautiful white frilly dress, with rows and rows of ruffles head to toe. But she had such a sad expression on her face.

Trying to cheer her up, the minister called her by name, and said “you look SO lovely this morning. And I know you will wear that dress a lot because it is SO gorgeous.”

Sadly, she shook her head, and said, “no, preacher, I won’t ever wear this dress again.”

Naturally, he couldn’t imagine that response…. so he said, “but, honey, you look so beautiful in that dress.”

The little girl said, “well, thank you preacher, but I will never wear this dress again.”

The minister said, “well, I just have to ask you WHY… when it is so pretty.”

She very matter of factly (and in a rather LOUD voice) replied, “because my momma says it’s a PAIN to iron!!”

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2006

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways ! to smile . : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on
this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends you know you want to! !

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