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Posts Tagged ‘humour’


My Brother was born 5.5 years later and I stayed at Nan Nan’s in the local village Snainton.  A young man called Charles walked me to school as he fancied me.

When my Mother’s bridesmaid had her Daughter she decided to call her Linda as well.

From 1966 to1971 I attended Scalby County Secondary School and was a Monitor. During the time I spent at this School the two Linda’s met a big headed Barsteward which is a polite way who fancied himself called Colin who use to chase me along the path and caught up with me behind the prefabs before the teachers got there. I wonder why he caught me (lol) The teachers went across the field.

The headboy called Shaun when we went to stay at the Youth Hostel Association carried my Suit cases up the many steps to the top of the hill hey he fancied me to (lol).

When I first left School I worked at F.W.Woolworth Ltd.

I became friendly with one of the under Managers which they did not like as their laws stated you were not allowed to go out with them. When we visited the local Y.M.C.A. his flat was across the road and it was a long way to walk to the bus station so he like a gentleman should  and made sure that I got to the bus safely. We got reported that we were seeing each other.  Perhaps there was a lot of jealousy.

I was engaged to a young man called Trevor and I broke his heart as I wanted a Career first.

I decided to go into catering as my parents had a small guest house and I had to serve on the tables and help with the Saturday change over and earn my pocket money. I went and to learnt silver service at The Station Hotel at York. I was supposed to be on the training station for 1 Month and after one week I was given a station of my own which is the one the Managers use for their business. What a frightening thought.


My name is Linda. In early 1998 I had to leave work through illness. I got the chance to go on College courses as a mature student doing computer software.  I did not know how to switch a computer on and finding my way around a keyboard was head banging stuff. I had to learn how to study again. I overcame these hurdles and during the next 4 years I got an Intermediate Diploma and then went on got letters after my name. I was very pleased with myself.

I compiled a cook book on recipes around the world and raised funds for Children in Need and raised over £ 90.

My Father died Ist May 2002  and 8 months later my Mother died 22 nd January 2003.  8 months later 16 th September 2003 I fell ill.

All decorated cards are decorated by myself and all computer cards are designed by myself. I have all so made the 3D Embellishments.

In 2004  I joined a local charity and went on their helpers training. Police checks and everything I am now starting on learning Book Keeping and learning Net Working.

Interests :

Country Music

Mental Health U.K.

Needy Children

Charity Work

Comedy

Health and Wellness

The letters I have are A.C.I.T.P. My version is Certified Black Hole of Calcutta.  Which is fun and a lot easier to remember.

(Associate Certified Informational Technology Professional)

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Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary “tools” together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
She stopped, looked skyward and said, “Is that you Lord?”
The voice replied, “No … this is the Ice-Rink Manager….”

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Valentines

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I’m stuck on you.

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a french chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?
A: One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.

Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A: Because it’s all heart.

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A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.

The priest looked and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.

The boy replied, “You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my book bag!”

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Mrs Hatcher

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer’s

office one Monday morning. “I want you to begin divorce

proceedings,” she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said,

“Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over

seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make

you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?”

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her

throat and said, “We wanted to wait until all the children were

dead.”

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Irish Smile

New Irish Priest in Boston Father Kelly rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Southie parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of hisfront lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Leone. How might I help you?” “And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father Kelly at St.Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind asto send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter? Sergeant Leone, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father Kelly then replied: “Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin”.

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Middle Age

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up”?
God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the car?”
God replied, “Girrrlllllll, I didn’t even recognize you

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