Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Idiots Joke

Charlie borrowed his friends Volkswagen, while his car was in the garage. When he got into it, he found out it would not start. So he got out and raised the hood and looked down in amazement. This other guy came by driving in his Volkswagen and saw that this guys was in trouble, so he stopped and went over. “What’s the trouble?” he asked. After taking a look, he said; “No wonder it won’t start someone stole the engine.” “But don’t worry” he said, “I have an extra in my trunk you can borrow”.

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Cat and Dog

A dog was chasing a neighboring cat around the block. The dog soon had the cat flattened. What did the cat say…?


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A New Years Pray

Dear Lord

So far this year I’ve done well.

I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help.


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New Years Dinner

As in many homes on New Year’s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important – the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

“See?” she said, continuing to smile, “You didn’t miss a thing.”

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Cracker Jokes

Q: What did the fireman’s wife get for Christmas?
A: A ladder in her stocking


Q: What’s white and goes up?
A: A confused snowsflake


Q: Why are school cooks so cruel?
A: Because they batter fish and beat eggs


Q: What ring is square?
A: A boxing ring


Q: What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?
A: About 1 mile per hour


Q: Why is milk fast?
A: Because it is pasteurised before you see it


Q: If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
A: Sippers


Q: What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?
A: Tarzi-pan


Q: How can you stop a rhino from charging?
A: Take away it’s credit cards


Q: What is an underground train full of professors called?
A: A tube of smarties


Q: What do ghosts like about tall buildings?
A: They have got lots of scare cases


Q: What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow!


Q: What does Santa Claus use to weed his garden?
A: His hoe hoe hoe!

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This year, I resolve to…

– Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

– Stop exercising. Waste of time.

– Read less. Makes you think.

– Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

– Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

– Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

– Not have eight children at once.

– Get in a whole NEW rut!

– Start being superstitious.

– Personal goal: bring back disco.

– Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

– Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

– Not eat cloned meat.

– Create loose ends.

– Get more toys.

– Get further in debt.

– Not believe politicians.

– Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

– Stay off the International Space Station.

– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

– Associate with even worse business clients.

– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

– Wait around for opportunity.

– Focus on the faults of others.

– Mope about my faults.

– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

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The Great Outdoors

We are told these are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

* “A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of    pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”
* “Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”
* “Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”
* “Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”
* “Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”
* “All the mile markers are missing this year.”
* “Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”
* “Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”
* “Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”
* “Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”
* “The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”
* “Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”
* “Need more signs to keep area pristine.”
* “A McDonald’s would be nice at the trailhead.”
* “The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”
* “Too many rocks in the mountains.”

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