Posts Tagged ‘humor’

Idiots Joke

Charlie borrowed his friends Volkswagen, while his car was in the garage. When he got into it, he found out it would not start. So he got out and raised the hood and looked down in amazement. This other guy came by driving in his Volkswagen and saw that this guys was in trouble, so he stopped and went over. “What’s the trouble?” he asked. After taking a look, he said; “No wonder it won’t start someone stole the engine.” “But don’t worry” he said, “I have an extra in my trunk you can borrow”.

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Cat and Dog

A dog was chasing a neighboring cat around the block. The dog soon had the cat flattened. What did the cat say…?


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A New Years Pray

Dear Lord

So far this year I’ve done well.

I haven’t gossiped, I haven’t lost my temper, I haven’t been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I’m going to get out of bed, and from then on I’m probably going to need a lot more help.


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New Years Dinner

As in many homes on New Year’s Day, my wife and I faced the annual conflict of which was more important – the football games on television, or the dinner itself. To keep peace, I ate dinner with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-dinner conversation before retiring to the family room to turn on the game.

Several minutes later, my wife came downstairs and graciously even bought a cold drink for me. She smiled, kissed me on the cheek and asked what the score was. I told her it was the end of the third quarter and that the score was still nothing to nothing.

“See?” she said, continuing to smile, “You didn’t miss a thing.”

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Cracker Jokes

Q: What did the fireman’s wife get for Christmas?
A: A ladder in her stocking


Q: What’s white and goes up?
A: A confused snowsflake


Q: Why are school cooks so cruel?
A: Because they batter fish and beat eggs


Q: What ring is square?
A: A boxing ring


Q: What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?
A: About 1 mile per hour


Q: Why is milk fast?
A: Because it is pasteurised before you see it


Q: If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
A: Sippers


Q: What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?
A: Tarzi-pan


Q: How can you stop a rhino from charging?
A: Take away it’s credit cards


Q: What is an underground train full of professors called?
A: A tube of smarties


Q: What do ghosts like about tall buildings?
A: They have got lots of scare cases


Q: What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow!


Q: What does Santa Claus use to weed his garden?
A: His hoe hoe hoe!

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This year, I resolve to…

– Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

– Stop exercising. Waste of time.

– Read less. Makes you think.

– Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

– Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

– Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

– Not have eight children at once.

– Get in a whole NEW rut!

– Start being superstitious.

– Personal goal: bring back disco.

– Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

– Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

– Not eat cloned meat.

– Create loose ends.

– Get more toys.

– Get further in debt.

– Not believe politicians.

– Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

– Stay off the International Space Station.

– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

– Associate with even worse business clients.

– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

– Wait around for opportunity.

– Focus on the faults of others.

– Mope about my faults.

– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

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The Great Outdoors

We are told these are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

* “A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of    pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”
* “Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”
* “Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”
* “Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”
* “Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”
* “All the mile markers are missing this year.”
* “Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”
* “Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”
* “Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”
* “Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”
* “The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”
* “Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”
* “Need more signs to keep area pristine.”
* “A McDonald’s would be nice at the trailhead.”
* “The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”
* “Too many rocks in the mountains.”

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Corny Oneliners

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday

Women like silent men, they think they’re listening

Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth. Deal with it

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

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Out of Office

* I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
* You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
* I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless e-mails you send me until I return from vacation on 01/05. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
* Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
* The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
* Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
* Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
* Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
* I’ve run away to join a different circus.

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2 Pork Chops

A woman walks into a restaurant, and sat down, and said to the waiter, “I’d like two pork chops, and make them lean.”

The waiter replied, “Yes, ma’am. Which way?”

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