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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

“Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?” “To kill my husband.”

“I can’t sell you arsenic to kill a person!”

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist’s wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. “I didn’t realize you had a prescription!”

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One Easter Sunday


One Easter Sunday in a large Baptist church in Birmingham, Al., the minister decided to have all the young children come forward to the front of the sanctuary in their new Easter outfits for a quick “children’s sermon.” He couldn’t help but notice one especially pretty little blond-haired, blue-eyed girl about five or six years old. She was wearing a beautiful white frilly dress, with rows and rows of ruffles head to toe. But she had such a sad expression on her face.

Trying to cheer her up, the minister called her by name, and said “you look SO lovely this morning. And I know you will wear that dress a lot because it is SO gorgeous.”

Sadly, she shook her head, and said, “no, preacher, I won’t ever wear this dress again.”

Naturally, he couldn’t imagine that response…. so he said, “but, honey, you look so beautiful in that dress.”

The little girl said, “well, thank you preacher, but I will never wear this dress again.”

The minister said, “well, I just have to ask you WHY… when it is so pretty.”

She very matter of factly (and in a rather LOUD voice) replied, “because my momma says it’s a PAIN to iron!!”

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2006

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways ! to smile . : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on
this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends you know you want to! !

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Mothering Sunday U.K. 23rd March 2009

In lieu of the holiday, I thought I’d share a Mother’s Day joke. Did YOUR mother say any of these? (I know mine did!) Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

Things I learned from my Mother

1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me about FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident..”

6. My mother taught me about IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

7. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

8. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it.”

9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

10. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”

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Idiots Joke

Charlie borrowed his friends Volkswagen, while his car was in the garage. When he got into it, he found out it would not start. So he got out and raised the hood and looked down in amazement. This other guy came by driving in his Volkswagen and saw that this guys was in trouble, so he stopped and went over. “What’s the trouble?” he asked. After taking a look, he said; “No wonder it won’t start someone stole the engine.” “But don’t worry” he said, “I have an extra in my trunk you can borrow”.

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SENIOR WEDDING

Jacob aged 92 and Sarah age 89 living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drug store. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind : “Are you the owner?”

The Pharmacist answers : “Yes”

Jacob : We’re about to get married. “Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist : “Of course we do”

Jacob : ” How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist : “All kinds.”

Jacob : “Medicine for rheumatism, sclerosis?”

Pharmacist : “Definitely.”

Jacob : ” How about Viagra?”

Pharmacist : ” Of course.”

Pharmacist : ” Yes a large variety. The works.”

Jacob : ” What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist : “Absolutely.”

Jacob : ” You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”

Pharmacist : “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob says to the Pharmacist: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

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Cat and Dog

A dog was chasing a neighboring cat around the block. The dog soon had the cat flattened. What did the cat say…?

Me-Owww!!!

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