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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary “tools” together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
She stopped, looked skyward and said, “Is that you Lord?”
The voice replied, “No … this is the Ice-Rink Manager….”

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A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.

The priest looked and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.

The boy replied, “You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my book bag!”

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Mrs Hatcher

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer’s

office one Monday morning. “I want you to begin divorce

proceedings,” she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said,

“Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over

seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make

you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?”

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her

throat and said, “We wanted to wait until all the children were

dead.”

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Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help.

Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.

The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I’m already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.”

Pastor questioned, “How come I don’t see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I’m in the secret service.

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One Easter Sunday in a large Baptist church in Birmingham, Al., the minister decided to have all the young children come forward to the front of the sanctuary in their new Easter outfits for a quick “children’s sermon.” He couldn’t help but notice one especially pretty little blond-haired, blue-eyed girl about five or six years old. She was wearing a beautiful white frilly dress, with rows and rows of ruffles head to toe. But she had such a sad expression on her face.

Trying to cheer her up, the minister called her by name, and said “you look SO lovely this morning. And I know you will wear that dress a lot because it is SO gorgeous.”

Sadly, she shook her head, and said, “no, preacher, I won’t ever wear this dress again.”

Naturally, he couldn’t imagine that response…. so he said, “but, honey, you look so beautiful in that dress.”

The little girl said, “well, thank you preacher, but I will never wear this dress again.”

The minister said, “well, I just have to ask you WHY… when it is so pretty.”

She very matter of factly (and in a rather LOUD voice) replied, “because my momma says it’s a PAIN to iron!!”

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I know Something

I figured that at age seven it was inevitable for my son to begin having doubts about Santa Claus. Sure enough, one day he said, “Mom, I know something about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and the Tooth Fairy.” Taking a deep breath, I asked him, “What is that?”

He replied, “They’re all nocturnal.”

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