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Posts Tagged ‘funny humor’

A doctor, and engineer, a rabbi and a lawyer were debating who was the world’s first professional.
The Doctor said “It must have been a doctor. Who else could have helpd with the world’s first surgery of taking a rib from Adam to create Eve, the first woman.
“No,” said the rabbi. “It must have been a rabbi, since the Lord needed someone to help preach his message to Adam and the world.
“Wait,” Said the engineer “The world was created in 6 days from nothing. Do you know what a master engineering feat that must have been to create the whole world into an orgnanized civilized place from utter choas?”
“And WHO created the chaos?” said the lawyer.

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A divorced billionaire was ordered by the Court to hand over a 49% share of his Corporation to his ex-wife. The Billionaire, we will call him Sam, was actively involved in acquiring properties wherever he chose. At an annual Board Meeting with his executives, the company stockholders, minus the ex-wife, were reviewing the land acquisitions during the time since Sam’s divorce was finalized. They started a discussion of each property, one by one. “Fish Haven, Idaho, I see the aggression expression on that purchase”, the one executive commented. Sam gave his nod of admission of its truth. The next company man made his statement, “Dog Walk, Kentucky”, “Again we have an aggression expression, don’t we Sam?” Sam concurred with that fact again. “Horse heads, New York,” and the company man said, “Aggression Expression with DRAMATIC innuendo!” Sam was all too willing to say yes and be understood as an angry and vengeful man. The next property on the roster was Canton, Ohio. “Canton, Ohio?” asked the 4th company man, “I don’t see any sign of your conveyance of your indignation, to your ex, on this property name.” Sam replied, “No, this acquisition was just to say I love Chinese food.”

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NORTH POLE (API) – MICROSOFT announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa’s summer estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, Reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that beginning Dec 9, 1998, Christmas and the Reindeer names would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court. Microsoft stated its commitment to “all who have made Christmas great,” and vowed to “make licensing of the Christmas and Reindeer names available to all.” It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, due before Halloween, will be very strict.

When asked “Why buy Christmas?” Bill Gates replied “Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We’ll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office 98.”

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas 98 trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, “The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don’t expect any changes this year.” She continued, “our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas 99. It will be bigger and better than last year.” She further elaborated that “Windows 95 users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas[99] as early as November first.”

Christmas 98 is scheduled for release in December of 1998, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of 1999. An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year’s economy and the nation’s tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. “But it could be good in the long term,” he explained. “With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year.”

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that “Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business,” suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was “sizeable, even for a man of Santa’s stature.”

Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year ’round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire in Redmond.

A spokesperson for the most famous Reindeer could not be reached for comment.

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