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Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.”

A few moments passed. “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out. “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

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Careful

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband .

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

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The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin,appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

‘You’ve done very well so far,’ said, Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, ‘but for a million pounds you’ve only got one life-line left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question……will you go for it?’

‘Sure,’ said Mick. ‘I’ll have a go!’

‘Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? –

a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?’

‘I haven’t got a clue,’said Mick,”so I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .’

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

‘Fookin hell, Mick!’ cried Paddy. ‘Dat’s simple……it’s a cuckoo.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I’m fookin sure.’

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,

‘I’ll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.’

‘Is that your final answer?’ asked Chris

‘Dat it is, Sir.’

There was a long – long pause, and then the presenter screamed,

‘Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!’

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

‘Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?’

‘Because he lives in a Fookin clock!’

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Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary “tools” together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
She stopped, looked skyward and said, “Is that you Lord?”
The voice replied, “No … this is the Ice-Rink Manager….”

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Valentines

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I’m stuck on you.

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a french chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?
A: One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.

Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A: Because it’s all heart.

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Mrs Hatcher

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer’s

office one Monday morning. “I want you to begin divorce

proceedings,” she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said,

“Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over

seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make

you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?”

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her

throat and said, “We wanted to wait until all the children were

dead.”

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Irish Smile

New Irish Priest in Boston Father Kelly rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Southie parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of hisfront lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Leone. How might I help you?” “And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father Kelly at St.Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind asto send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter? Sergeant Leone, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father Kelly then replied: “Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin”.

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