Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘comedy’

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.”

A few moments passed. “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out. “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.

Read Full Post »

Careful

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband .

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. “Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”

The wife stared at him. “What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”

The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”

Read Full Post »

The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin,appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

‘You’ve done very well so far,’ said, Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, ‘but for a million pounds you’ve only got one life-line left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question……will you go for it?’

‘Sure,’ said Mick. ‘I’ll have a go!’

‘Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? –

a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?’

‘I haven’t got a clue,’said Mick,”so I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .’

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

‘Fookin hell, Mick!’ cried Paddy. ‘Dat’s simple……it’s a cuckoo.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I’m fookin sure.’

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,

‘I’ll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.’

‘Is that your final answer?’ asked Chris

‘Dat it is, Sir.’

There was a long – long pause, and then the presenter screamed,

‘Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!’

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

‘Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?’

‘Because he lives in a Fookin clock!’

Read Full Post »

Ice Fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing.
She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary “tools” together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.
After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” Startled the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino and began to cut another.
Again from the heavens, the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.” The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
She stopped, looked skyward and said, “Is that you Lord?”
The voice replied, “No … this is the Ice-Rink Manager….”

Read Full Post »

Valentines

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I’m stuck on you.

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a french chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?
A: One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.

Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A: Because it’s all heart.

Read Full Post »

Mrs Hatcher

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer’s

office one Monday morning. “I want you to begin divorce

proceedings,” she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said,

“Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over

seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make

you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?”

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her

throat and said, “We wanted to wait until all the children were

dead.”

Read Full Post »

Irish Smile

New Irish Priest in Boston Father Kelly rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Southie parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of hisfront lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Leone. How might I help you?” “And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father Kelly at St.Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind asto send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter? Sergeant Leone, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father Kelly then replied: “Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin”.

Read Full Post »

Middle Age

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up”?
God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the car?”
God replied, “Girrrlllllll, I didn’t even recognize you

Read Full Post »

Duck Bill

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned
because the duck wouldn’t eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age
their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and
make it difficult for the animal to pick up it’s food.

“What you need to do is gently file the upper bill
down even with the lower bill.

But you must be extra careful because the duck’s
nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down
too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it’ll
drown.”

The man goes about his business and about a week later
the Doctor runs into his patient.

“Well, how is that duck of yours?” the Doctor
inquires.

“He’s dead,” declared the heartbroken man.

“I told you not to file his upper bill down too far!

He took a drink of water and drowned didn’t he?”
insisted the Doctor.

“No.” lamented the man. “I think he was dead before I
took him out of the vise.”

Read Full Post »

Believe it or not, the following announcements actually appeared in various church bulletins.

Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help.

Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing “Put me in my little bed” accompanied by the pastor.

Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be “Little Mothers” will meet with the Pastor in his study.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come foreward and lay an egg on the alter.

The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come foreward and do so.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »