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Posts Tagged ‘comedy fun humour’

Give Me Both

A forgetful husband came to a butcher’s shop on Thanksgiving Day, almost at the closing time to look for a turkey. The butcher showed him the only scrawny turkey he had.

The man said, “This is too skinny. Do you have a fatter one?”

Thinking himself to be vary smart, butcher took the turkey back and went to the freezer and brought it back after a few minutes.

The man looked at the turkey for a long minute and then said thinking, “They are too thin. One won’t do. Why don’t you give me both? “

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If April showers bring May flowers
, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!
Why do turkeys always go, “gobble, gobble”?
Because they never learned good table manners!
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G!
When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary!
What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A turkey!
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What did the Turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy, I’m stuffed!
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of foul play!
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside!
Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes. A building can’t jump at all!
What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Why didn’t the turkey eat dessert?
He was already stuffed!
If the Pilgrims were alive today what would they be most famous for?
Their age!
What type of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock!
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey at Thanksgiving?
Because they couldn’t fit the moose in the oven!
How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore!
When the Pilgrims landed, where did they stand?
On their feet!
When did the Pilgrims first say “God bless America”?
When they first heard America sneeze!
What’s the best thing to put into pumpkin pie?
Your teeth!

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What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

What’s a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.

Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack.

Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?-
Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Boo boos.

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin

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Trip To Walmart

It was mid-October and I was waiting for my wife, Julie, at the checkout at Walmart supermarket in Worcester, Massachusetts, USA, I noticed that someone had left behind their broom.

When no one came to claim it, I went outside to search for a couple I remembered seeing at the cashier’s desk. I spotted them getting into their truck and hurried over.

‘Excuse me,’ I said to the young woman, ‘but did you by any chance leave your broom inside?’
‘No,’ she retorted quickly and with a smile, ‘we came by truck.’

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Halloweeen Jokes

Why did Dracula’s mother give him cough medicine?
Because he was having a coffin fit.
What did Dr. Frankenstein get when he put a goldfish brain in the body of his dog?
I don’t know, but it is great at chasing submarines.
Why wasn’t there any food left after the monster party?’
Cos everyone was a goblin.
Why did the vampire’s lunch give him heartburn?
It was a stake sandwich.
Dracula decided he need a dog, which breed did he choose?
A blood hound.
What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer.
What do skeletons always order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs!
Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.

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Daredevil pup Stanley attracts more than a few stares when he goes for a ‘walk’ in his miniature Spitfire. Passers-by might think the four month old wire-haired fox terrier is crazy, but he loves donning his flying hat, goggles and jacket for a spin reports the Metro.

Owners Phil and Sharon Cook, both in their 40s, mocked up the miniature plane for a Halloween party, but Stanley enjoyed it so much that they can be seen trundling around the streets near their home in Leigh, Essex. Mrs Cook added, ‘Stanley loves it. We decided to go for a Spitfire as a nod towards Remembrance Day. He is content to sit in the cockpit and watch the world go by.’

The plane is made from an old holdall attached to a skateboard, while Stanley’s flying hat is fashioned from an old cuddly toy.

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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. He gave me a bill for a minimum service call. As he was walking away, I called after him,
“So, what was wrong?”
He replied,
“It was an ID ten T error.”
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired:
“An ID ten T error?
What’s that … in case I need to fix it again?”
The computer guy grinned….
“Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
“No,” I replied.
“Write it down,” he said, “
and I think you’ll figure it out.”
So I wrote out …… I D 1 0 T

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