Idiots Jokes

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

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Mad Cow Disease Worries

Two bulls were chatting over the fence between their fields. First bull said, “I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is pretty scary stuff. Someone said it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.” The other bull replies, “I ain’t worried, it don’t affect us bulls.”

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Computer Relationship’s

1. You wake up at 4 O’clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and
stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2. You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if
you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just
for the free internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5. You start using smileys 🙂 in your snail mail.

6. You find yourself typing “com” after every period when using a word
processor.com

7. You can’t correspond with your mother because she doesn’t have a
computer.

8. When your email box shows “no new messages” and you feel really
depressed.

9. You don’t know the gender of your three closest friends because they
have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10. You move into a new house and you decide to “Netscape” before you
landscape.

11. Your family always knows where you are.

12. In real life conversations, you don’t laugh, you just say “LOL, LOL”.

13. After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend!

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TEXAS COMPUTER

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin’ the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin’ the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin’ home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain’t in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it’s cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it’s black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What’s in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That’s hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer “c’mon in, y’all”
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can’t ‘member what ya paid fer the rifle

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Bonfire Night Jokes

* How many safety inspectors does it take to light the bonfire?
4. One to light the match and three to hold the fire extinguisher
* How many civil servants does it take to set fire to Guy Fawkes?
23. One to strike the match and twenty two to fill in the paper work.
* How many Mafia hitmen does it take to light the bonfire?
3. One to set fire to the effigy, one to watch his back, and one to shoot any witnesses.
* How many aerospace engineers does it take to light the kindling sticks?
0. You don’t need a rocket science to start a bonfire.
* How many Apple employees does it take to flame Guy Fawkes?
5. One to light the match and four to design the t-shirt.
* How many Microsoft programmers does it take to start the bonfire?
0. Microsoft declares darkness to be a new standard.
* How many God-fearing, tax-paying, law-abiding men in Las Vegas does it take to light a bonfire?
Both of them.
* How many fish does it take to set the Guy Fawkes bonfire burning?
Surrealist.

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Thanksgiving Song

O God, Beneath Thy Guiding Hand

Come, Ye Thankful People, Come

Count Your Blessings

Creation’s Lord, We Give Thee Thanks

Faith Of Our Fathers

For The Beauty Of The Earth

Give Thanks To God The Lord

Guide Me, O Thou Great Lord

I’m A Pilgrim

Lone Pilgrim

Now Yield We Thanks And Praise

O Lord, Our Father, Thanks To Thee

Ten Thousand Thanks To Jesus

Thanks To God

Lord Jesus, We Give Thanks To Thee

To Thee, O God, We Render Thanks

Now Thank We All Our God

We Gather Together

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Thanksgiving Poetry

The year has turned its circle,

The seasons come and go.

The harvest all is gathered in

And chilly north winds blow.

Orchards have shared their treasures,

The fields, their yellow grain,

So open wide the doorway –

Thanksgiving comes again!

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Give Me Both

A forgetful husband came to a butcher’s shop on Thanksgiving Day, almost at the closing time to look for a turkey. The butcher showed him the only scrawny turkey he had.

The man said, “This is too skinny. Do you have a fatter one?”

Thinking himself to be vary smart, butcher took the turkey back and went to the freezer and brought it back after a few minutes.

The man looked at the turkey for a long minute and then said thinking, “They are too thin. One won’t do. Why don’t you give me both? “

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Thanksgiving Oneliners

If April showers bring May flowers
, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!
Why do turkeys always go, “gobble, gobble”?
Because they never learned good table manners!
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G!
When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary!
What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A turkey!
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What did the Turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy, I’m stuffed!
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of foul play!
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside!
Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes. A building can’t jump at all!
What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Why didn’t the turkey eat dessert?
He was already stuffed!
If the Pilgrims were alive today what would they be most famous for?
Their age!
What type of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock!
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey at Thanksgiving?
Because they couldn’t fit the moose in the oven!
How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore!
When the Pilgrims landed, where did they stand?
On their feet!
When did the Pilgrims first say “God bless America”?
When they first heard America sneeze!
What’s the best thing to put into pumpkin pie?
Your teeth!

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Halloween Funnies

What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
Bamboo.

What’s a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.

Why did the monster eat a light bulb?
Because he was in need of a light snack.

Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles?-
Have you ever tried to iron a monster?

What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
Boo boos.

Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife get to sleep?
Because of his coffin

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