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Give Me Both

A forgetful husband came to a butcher’s shop on Thanksgiving Day, almost at the closing time to look for a turkey. The butcher showed him the only scrawny turkey he had.

The man said, “This is too skinny. Do you have a fatter one?”

Thinking himself to be vary smart, butcher took the turkey back and went to the freezer and brought it back after a few minutes.

The man looked at the turkey for a long minute and then said thinking, “They are too thin. One won’t do. Why don’t you give me both? “

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If April showers bring May flowers
, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!
Why do turkeys always go, “gobble, gobble”?
Because they never learned good table manners!
What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
The letter G!
When does Christmas come before Thanksgiving?
In the dictionary!
What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A turkey!
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What did the Turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy, I’m stuffed!
Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of foul play!
Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside!
Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes. A building can’t jump at all!
What sound does a space turkey make?
Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Why didn’t the turkey eat dessert?
He was already stuffed!
If the Pilgrims were alive today what would they be most famous for?
Their age!
What type of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock!
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey at Thanksgiving?
Because they couldn’t fit the moose in the oven!
How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore!
When the Pilgrims landed, where did they stand?
On their feet!
When did the Pilgrims first say “God bless America”?
When they first heard America sneeze!
What’s the best thing to put into pumpkin pie?
Your teeth!

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Four Animals

A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says”.

The teacher asked, “Really and what four little animals would that be?”

The little girl said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.”

The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room!

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You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.’

‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They stretch after awhile.’

‘If you take your hands off the car , I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.’

‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’

‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’

‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’

‘Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?’

‘Warning! You want a warning? OK., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.’

‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?’

‘Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.’

‘Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven .’

‘How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’

‘No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.’

‘I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.

‘You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.’

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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… walked home… and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.

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