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Archive for the ‘Answering Machine Recordings’ Category


Star Trek theme in the background] [Voice 1] Room 17, the final frontier. [Voice 2] These are the messages of Chad’s answering machine. Its two-semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. [Voice 3] To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can’t answer the phone right now because I’ve just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I’m still made up of antimatter, so if
I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

[Classical music in background, slow stoned voice] Don’t you ever wonder what life would be like? …

These words are lovely dark and deep, but I’ve got promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep, so leave a message at the beep.

After the tone, leave your name, number, and the location where you hid the money. I’ll get back to you as soon as it’s safe

[Must have good Australian accent] G’day mate. Can’t come to the phone now because I’m a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I’ll get back to you.

Hi. Now you say something.
You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, “We aren’t in, leave a message.” That’s why I’ve decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, dearest caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me…

Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?

Hello. You are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through the office and don’t need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

Hello. I’m home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as I find it.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? — Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of twenty dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you’re from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

Hi there. This is Joe speaking. I’m home right now, and in a moment, I’ll have a decision to make. Leave your name and number and I’ll be thinking about it…

Bob here. I’m home right now, I’m just screening my calls. So start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak with I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

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