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Archive for September, 2010

A Little Gas

While walking in the convent a priest passed one of the nuns and noticed she was gaining a little weight. “Gaining a little weight, are we Sister Angela?” he asked. “No, Father,” Sister Angela said, “It’s just a little gas.”

A month or two later, the priest noticed that she had gained yet more weight. “Gaining some weight, are we Sister Angela?” asked the priest. “No, Father, just a little gas,” she again replied.

A couple of months later, the priest noticed Sister Angela pushing a baby carriage through the convent. Approaching her, he leaned over, looked in the carriage and said, “My, what a cute little fart!”

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Monkey Talk

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car.

The officer looked down at the monkey and said “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. “You can understand what I’m saying?” asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down. “Well, did you see this?”

“Yes,” motioned the monkey.

“What happened?”

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What else?” The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

“They were smoking marijuana?”

The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What else?” The monkey motioned “kissing.”

“They were kissing, too?” asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“Now wait, you’re saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.”

The monkey shakes his head “Yes.”

“What were you doing during all this?”

“Driving,” motioned the monkey.

//

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I need some advice on what could be a life changing decision.

I’ve suspected for some time now that my girlfriend has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out “with the girls” a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always “Just some friends from work, you don’t know them”.

I always look out for her ride coming home but she always walks from around the corner, I can usually hear a car driving off as she walks towards our house. If it really is a taxi why not just get dropped off in front? I once picked her cell phone up just to see what time it was and she went beserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again, and why was I checking up on her.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my girlfriend. I think deep down I just didn’t want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her. I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she was getting out of. It was while I was crouched behind my car that I noticed rust on my exhaust tip. Should I take it to the dealer for replacement, or should I just take the opportunity to buy the aftermarket 3″ I’ve been looking at. Its a big decision so I thought I would ask for your advice. Maybe I’ll just try to buff it out.

Help me out.

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Four Animals

A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says”.

The teacher asked, “Really and what four little animals would that be?”

The little girl said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.”

The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room!

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Texas Gun Logic

A woman was called in front of a Texas grand jury for possible manslaughter charges after she shot a mugger 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse . She had her hand on her gun when he grabbed the purse, and she was left with the revolver in her hand.

When asked by the grand jury why she shot the man 6 times in the back as he was running away she replied under oath:

“Because when I pulled the trigger the 7th time it only went click.”

She was acquitted of all charges…… That’s the way it is in Texas!

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Camel Questions

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, “Mom, why have I got these huge three toed feet?”

The mother replies, “Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.”

“Okay,” says the son.

A few minutes later the son asks, “Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?”

“They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert.”

“Thanks Mom,” replies the son.

After a short while, the son returns and asks, “Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??”

His mother replies impatiently, “They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert.”

“That’s great Mom. So we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes, and these humps to store water, but Mom…”

“Yes, son?”

“Do we really need all of these in the zoo?”

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Pepsi

There was a cargo shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa. It suddenly had a malfunction, and crashed in the jungle.

A few days later, Pepsi sent a rescue plane to search for the plane and crew.

They found the wreckage, but were not able to locate the crew. They searched the area and met with a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief nods and simply says, “Yes…seen plane crash”.

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replyed, “We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi!”

The Rescue crew was shocked. Another man asked, “Did you eat their legs?”

The chief replied, “We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi!”

Another rescuer asked, “Did you eat their arms?”

The Chief said, “We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi!”

Finally, another rescuer had to ask, “Did you..you know…eat their…things?”

The chief says, “NO, you idiot!”… even cannibals know that…

..THINGS go better with Coke!”

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