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Archive for June 22nd, 2010

How Long

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, ‘Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, but….. something happened. I’m trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.’

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, ‘You’ve got $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did – better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s $1,000 an inch.’

The man perks up at this. ‘So,’ the doctor says, ‘it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.’

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day. ‘So,’ says the doctor, ‘have you spoken with your wife?’

‘I have,’ says the man.

‘And has she helped you in making the decision?’

‘Yes, she has,’ says the man.

‘And what is it?’ asks the doctor.

‘We’re getting granite countertops.’

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A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there’s no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it’s a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What’s so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, “If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.”

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store. “Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies “Your house.

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Three Men

The Jewish man said, ‘Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat),we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!’

The Frenchman boasted, ‘Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!’

The Italian man said, ‘Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!’

The other two were stunned. The amazed Frenchman asked, ‘What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?’

The Italian said………… ‘I wiped my hands on the bedspread.’

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