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Archive for February, 2010

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences…no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, “I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know.”

“I’m very sorry, officer,” replies the American, “but I really, really have to go, and I just can’t find a public restroom.”

“Ah, yes,” said the policeman…”Just follow me”. He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

“In there,” points the policeman. “Go ahead sir, anywhere you like.”

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman’s blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, “That was really decent of you… is that what you call English hospitality?”

“No sir…”, replied the police officer, “…that is what we call the French Embassy.”

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Pride

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,”Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home now, ‘Mother of six?'”

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of four.”font face=”Lucida Calligraphy”

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You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.’

‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They stretch after awhile.’

‘If you take your hands off the car , I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.’

‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’

‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’

‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’

‘Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?’

‘Warning! You want a warning? OK., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.’

‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?’

‘Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.’

‘Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven .’

‘How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’

‘No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.’

‘I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.

‘You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.’

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