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Archive for January 27th, 2010

* You dance and it makes the band skip.

* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

* Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”

* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

* You could sell shade.

* Your blood type is Ragu.

* You need an appointment to attend an ‘open house’.

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Pride

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,”Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home now, ‘Mother of six?'”

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of four.”

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‘You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.’

‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They stretch after awhile.’

‘If you take your hands off the car , I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.’

‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’

‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’

‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’

‘Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?’

‘Warning! You want a warning? OK., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.’

‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?’

‘Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.’

‘Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven .’

‘How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’

‘No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.’

‘I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.

‘You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.’

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