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Archive for January, 2010

* You dance and it makes the band skip.

* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.

* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.

* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.

* Your driver’s license says, “Picture continued on other side.”

* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.

* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.

* You could sell shade.

* Your blood type is Ragu.

* You need an appointment to attend an ‘open house’.

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Pride

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,”Mother of Six” in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home now, ‘Mother of six?'”

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts right back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of four.”

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‘You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.’

‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They stretch after awhile.’

‘If you take your hands off the car , I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.’

‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’

‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’

‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’

‘Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?’

‘Warning! You want a warning? OK., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.’

‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?’

‘Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.’

‘Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven .’

‘How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’

‘No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.’

‘I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.

‘You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.’

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The Coroner

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you werent sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The mans brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess its possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

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Traffic School

The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”

Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

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Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has got it right.. While at the funeral of her own mother, a woman met a man who she did not know. She thought he was ‘amazing’. She believed him to be her dream partner so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister. Question: What was her motive for killing her sister? Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below.. Answer: She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister’s funeral. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test developed by a famous American psychologist, used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly… If you didn’t answer the question correctly, good for you. If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.

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(1) There’s one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contestants do. What is it?

(2) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

(3) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

(4) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?

(5) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?

(6) What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

(7) In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

(8) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters “dw”. They are all common. Name two of them.

(9) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?

(10) Where are the lakes that are referred to in the “Los Angeles Lakers”?

(11) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls – a walk – is one way. Name the other six.

(12) It’s the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?

(13) How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning?

(14) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter “s”.

(Scroll down for the answers)

ANSWERS:

(1) Boxing.

(2) Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.

(3) Asparagus and rhubarb.

(4) Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think).

(5) Baseball.

(6) Strawberry.

(7) The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.

(8) Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.

(9) Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

(10) In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.

(11) Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder’s choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.

(12) Lettuce.

(13) If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn’t throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe.

(14) Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on.

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