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Archive for November 3rd, 2009

Baby Bottle

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factory where he had just been hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in its manufacturing process.

On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop noise, and the shift manager asked his tour guide what it was doing.

As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise. he said The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.

On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a hiss.. hiss hiss-pop sound during the manufacturing process.

Wait a second, the future shift manager says, I know what the hiss, hiss is but whats with the pop noise every once in awhile?

Oh, that he he. Its the same as the baby bottle nipple process. said the guide It pokes a hole in every third condom.

But that cant be good for the condoms! the observant shift manager replied.

Nah, but its really good for the baby bottle nipple business!

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Marriage

conversation before marriage…

He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

She : Do you want me to leave?

He : No! Don’t even think about it.

She : Do you love me?

He : Of course! Over and over!

She : Have you ever cheated on me?

He : No! Why are you even asking?

She : Will you kiss me?

He : Every chance I get.

She : Will you hit me?

He : Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!

She : Can I trust you?

He : Yes.

She : Darling!

To read a conversation after marriage, simply read this in reverse…

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No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.

If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.

If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.

Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.

If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.

The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard

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30 Good Lines

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. -He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

4. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

5. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6. Don’t take life too seriously–no one gets out alive.

7. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10. I’m not a complete idiot — some parts are missing.

11. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

18. Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.

19. Procrastinate now!

20. I have a degree in Liberal Arts; do you want fries with that?

21. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24. They call it PMS because Mad-Cow Disease was already taken.

25. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27. Ham and eggs: A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

29. The original point-and-click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.

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