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Archive for November, 2009

Housework

Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, ‘Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex’.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.’

‘But what about afterward?’ asked her friends.

‘Oh, that …, Ralph was too tired..’

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The Economy is so Bad…

1. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

2. Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes.

3. Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

4. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

5. PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings

6. McDonald’s is selling the 1/4- ounces.

7. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

8. A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

9. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

10. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

11. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

12. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, “finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?”

13. Motel Six wont leave the light on.

14. The Mafia is laying off judges.

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Housework

Housework was a woman’s job, but one evening, Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer. Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!It turns out that Ralph had read an article that said, ‘Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex’.

The night went very well. The next day, she told her office friends all about it. ‘We had a great dinner. Ralph even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.’

‘But what about afterward?’ asked her friends.

‘Oh, that …, Ralph was too tired..’

Read Full Post »

The Economy is so Bad…

1. CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

2. Even people who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes.

3. Hotwheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

4. Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer and Citigroup.

5. PETA serves chicken wings at their meetings

6. McDonalds is selling the 1/4- ouncer.

7. People in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

8. A truck of Americans got caught sneaking into Mexico.

9. The most highly-paid job is now jury duty.

10. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

11. People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

12. Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, “finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?”

13. Motel Six wont leave the light on.

14. The Mafia is laying off judges.

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Various Quotes

“My fellow Americans, I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.” — Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on.

“I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job” — George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign.

“This is a great day for France!” — Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s funeral.

“Now, like, I’m President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? … I bet if they did, I hope I would say, ‘Hey, get lost. We don’t want any of that.'” — George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students.

“For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex … uh…setbacks.” — George Bush

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.” — Dan Quayle

“Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.” –Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989.

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind-or not to have a mind. How true that is.” — Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund.

“I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland.” — William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address.

“The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at.” — George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

“I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me.” — George Bush

“If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we’re in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we’ve got to do something about the unemployed.” — Ronald Reagan

“Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we’re going to succeed.” — Ronald Reagan

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Two guys from Chicago, Illinois die and wake up in hell. The next day, the devil stops to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and bomber hats, warming themselves around the fire.

The devil asks them, ‘What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?’

The two guys reply, ‘Well, you know, we’re from Illinois, the land of ice and snow and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a bit, you know.’

The devil gets a little steamed up and he decides to fix the two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Chicago and finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.

The devil is astonished. ‘Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you seem to be enjoying yourselves.’

The two Chicagoans reply, ‘Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Chicago, we’ve just got to have a cookout when the weather is this nice.’

The devil is absolutely furious, he decides to turn all the heat in hell off.

The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, the people are shivering so bad, they are unable to wail or moan. The devil smiles and heads for the room with the 2 Chicagoans. He finds them back in their parkas, mittens and hats. They are jumping up and down and cheering.

The devil was dumbfounded. ‘I don’t understand. When I turn the heat up, you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold, and you’re happy. What is wrong with you two?’

The Chicagoans look at the devil in surprise. ‘Well, don’t ya know–if hell freezes over, that must mean one thing…the CUBS won the WORLD SERIES.

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Japanese Golf

A Japanese family just arrived in the United states and stays at a moderate hotel in New York. As they ride up the elevator to their suite, a gentleman gets in at the next floor.

Stunned by the beauty of the Japanese daughter, the man tries to communicate with her, only to find she speaks no English. Undeterred, the man asks the father if he could take his daughter to dinner. Having some English experience from his many business trips to the states, the father communicates to the daughter and dinner plans are made.

After dinner, they head up to his suite. Well, one thing leads to another and as he starts going at it she starts moaning “Oshima!”. Believing this must mean she’s getting into it, he thrusts harder and harder and she is screaming “Oshima!, Oshima!!”.

The next morning, the gentleman invites the father to a round of golf, knowing how much the Japanese love the sport. On the first hole, the father tees up, and nails a hole in one. Thinking quickly, the gentleman yells out “Oshima!!”.

The father, with a complexed look, turns to the man and says…

“What the hell do you mean wrong hole?!”

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