Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for October 20th, 2009

Judge Jerry Buchmeyer of the US District Court for the Northern District of Texas writes a monthly article for the Texas Bar Journal. Often, he cites unusual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses during trials.

The following true exchange says it all:

Lawyer: “So, Doctor, you determined that a gunshot wound was the cause of death of the patient?”

Doctor: “That’s correct.”

Lawyer: “Did you examine the patient when he came to the emergency room?”

Doctor: “No, I performed the autopsy.”

Lawyer: “OK, were you aware of his vital signs when he was at the hospital?”

Doctor: “He came into the emergency room in shock and died a short time later.”

Lawyer: “Did you pronounce him dead at that time?”

Doctor: “No, I am the pathologist who performed the autopsy. I was not involved with the patient initially.”

Lawyer: “Well, are you even sure then, that he died in the emergency room.”

Doctor: “That is what the records indicate.”

Lawyer: “But if you weren’t there, how could you have pronounced him dead, having not seen or physically examined the patient at that time?”

Doctor: “The autopsy showed massive hemorrhaging in the chest area and that was the cause of death.”

Lawyer: “I understand that, but you were not actually present to examine the patient and pronounce him dead, isn’t that right?”

Doctor: “No, sir, I did not see the patient or actually pronounce him dead, but I did perform an autopsy and right now his brain is in a jar over at the county morgue. As for the rest of the patient, for all I know, HE COULD BE OUT PRACTICING LAW SOMEWHERE!!”

Read Full Post »

Costello: Hey, Abbott!
Abbott: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbott: That’s great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig
hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbott: That’s terrific, Lou
Costello: But I don’t know what any of it means!!
Abbott: You will in time.
Costello: That’s exactly why I am here to see you.
Abbott: Oh?
Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.
Abbott: Well, I don’t know-
Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you’re going
to train me.
Abbott: Really?
Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.
Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?
Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard
that you should be very careful how you turn it off.
Abbott: That’s true.
Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want
to turn it off. What do I do?
Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-
Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.
Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-
Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know
how to start it. So tell me what to do.
Abbott: I did.
Costello: When?
Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.
Costello: Why should I press the Start button?
Abbott: To shut off the computer.
Costello: I press Start to stop.
Abbott: Well Start doesn’t actually stop the computer.
Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.
Abbott: Start
Costello: Start what?
Abbott: Start button.
Costello: Start button to do what?
Abbott: Shut down.
Costello: You don’t have to get rude!
Abbott: No, no, no! That’s not what I meant.
Costello: Then say what you mean.
Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-
Costello: Don’t say, “Start!”
Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?
Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am
willing to press the Stop button, the End button
and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their
right mind presses the Start to Stop.
Abbott: But that’s what you do.
Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at
green lights.
Abbott: Don’t be ridiculous.
Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it’s about
time we started this conversion.
Abbott: What are you talking about?
Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.

Read Full Post »

Last summer, my husband, took me camping for the first time. At every opportunity, he passed along outdoor-survival lore. One day we got lost hiking in the deep woods. He tried the usual tactics to determine direction — moss on the trees (there was none), direction of the sun (it was an overcast day), etc., etc.

Just as I was beginning to panic, he spotted a small cabin off in the distance. He pulled out his binoculars, studied the cabin, turned and led us right back to our camp. “That was terrific,” I said. “How did you do it?” “Simple,” he replied. “In this part of the country all the TV satellite dishes point south.”

Read Full Post »