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Archive for September, 2009

Indian Chief ‘Two Eagles’ was asked by a white government official, ‘You have observed the white man for 90 years. You’ve seen his wars and his technological advances. You’ve seen his progress, and the damage he has done.’

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, ‘Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?’

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. ‘When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water.

Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.’

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. ‘Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.’

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Traffic Court

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. “Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”

He smiled with delight. “Now sit down at that table and write ‘I will not run a red light’ five hundred times.”

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(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome.. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ … That will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

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I’M GOING FISHIN.”
Really means…”I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“IT’S A GUY THING.”
Really means….”There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?”
Really means….”Why isn’t it already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR.”
Really means….Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN.”
Really means…”I have no idea how it works.

“TAKE A BREAK, HONEY, YOU’RE WORKING TOO HARD.”
Really means….”I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.”
Really means….”Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.”
Really means…. “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

” WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.”
Really means…. “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.”
Really means…. “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.”
Really means…. “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?”
Really means…. “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.”
Really means…. “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE.”
Really means…. “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.”
Really means…. “Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.”
Really means…. “No one will ever see us alive again.”

“WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK.”
Really means…. “I make the messes, she cleans them up.”

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A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session. Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a good trip.

The wife answers: ‘Thank you honey, what would you like me to bring for you?’

The husband laughs and says: ‘An Italian girl!!!’

The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks:

‘So, honey, how was the trip?’

‘Very good , thank you.’

‘And, what happened to my present?’

‘Which present?’ She asked.

‘The one I asked for – an Italian girl!!’

‘Oh, that’ she said ‘Well, I did what I could; now we’ll have to wait for a few months to see if it is a girl!!!’

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Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another service station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes — one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

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Revenge Is Sweet

There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife’s annoyance.

“You’ll fart your guts out one of these days,” she always complained.

After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy’s arse.

While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream.

Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

“You was right all along Missus,” the old man says, “I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push ’em back in!”

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