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Archive for August, 2009

TIRED DOG

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with four children — he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

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MENTAL TEST

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at ourself from time to time, and this should help get us started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.”

Oh, I understand,” said the visitor. “A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”

“No,” said the Director, “A normal person would pull the plug.”

Do you want a room with or without a view?

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JOB INTERVIEW

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked “What is the fastest thing you know of?” pointing to the man on his right.

The first man replied “A thought. It pops into your head. There’s no forewarning that it’s on the way, it’s just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.”

“That’s very good!” replied the interviewer. And now you sir?

He asked the second man. “Hmm…. let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.”

“Excellent!” said the interviewer “The blink of an eye. That’s a very popular cliché for speed.” as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

“Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant.” Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.”

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light.” he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.

“After hearing the three previous answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhoea.”

“WHAT!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

“Oh I can explain.” said the fourth man. “You see the other day wasn’t feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I’d crapped in my pants!”

He got the job.

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Coach Bobby Ross had put together the perfect Lions team. The only thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, but he couldn’t find a ringer quarterback who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war-zone scene in Bosnia. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm.

He threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th-story window 200 yards away…

Ka-boom!

He throws another hand grenade into a group of 10 soldiers 100 yards away…

Ka-blooey!

Then a car passed, going 90 mph…

BAM! Bulls-eye!

“I’ve got to get me this guy!” Ross says to himself. “He’s got the perfect arm!”

So, without much cajoling he manages to bring the kid to the States, aways from the dangers of Bosnia and teaches him the great game of football.

That season the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl for the first time in history and the young, modest Bosnian becomes one of the Great Heroes of football. When Ross asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is to call his mother.

“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl.”

“I spit on your superbowl, I don’t want to talk to you,” the old woman says. “You deserted us. You are not my son.”

“…But Mamma!” the young man pleads. “I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. Thousands of people are calling my name, our family name…”

“No, let me tell you,” the mother screams. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight.”

The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says “…I’ll never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.

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