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Archive for August 26th, 2009

The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin,appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

‘You’ve done very well so far,’ said, Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, ‘but for a million pounds you’ve only got one life-line left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question……will you go for it?’

‘Sure,’ said Mick. ‘I’ll have a go!’

‘Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? –

a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?’

‘I haven’t got a clue,’said Mick,”so I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .’

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

‘Fookin hell, Mick!’ cried Paddy. ‘Dat’s simple……it’s a cuckoo.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I’m fookin sure.’

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,

‘I’ll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.’

‘Is that your final answer?’ asked Chris

‘Dat it is, Sir.’

There was a long – long pause, and then the presenter screamed,

‘Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!’

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

‘Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?’

‘Because he lives in a Fookin clock!’

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When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: “If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.”

I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, “I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?”

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CONFESSION

A man enters the confessional and says ‘Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.

‘The priest tells the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.

‘Soon, another man enters the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.

‘This time the priest asks, ‘Who is this Fannie Green?

”A new woman in the neighbourhood,’ the sinner replies. ‘Very well,’ says the priest. ‘Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.

‘The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men’s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Britney Spears style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, ‘Is that Fannie Green?

‘The altar boy replies, ‘No Father, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes’.

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SENIOR CITIZEN

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ‘ I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.’

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked

“What are you sellin’ here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling assh*les.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You’re doing well. Only two left.”

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