Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for August, 2009

The Irish Millionaire Mick, from Dublin,appeared on ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

‘You’ve done very well so far,’ said, Chris Tarrant, the show’s presenter, ‘but for a million pounds you’ve only got one life-line left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question……will you go for it?’

‘Sure,’ said Mick. ‘I’ll have a go!’

‘Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? –

a) Sparrow, b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?’

‘I haven’t got a clue,’said Mick,”so I’ll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin .’

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

‘Fookin hell, Mick!’ cried Paddy. ‘Dat’s simple……it’s a cuckoo.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘I’m fookin sure.’

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,

‘I’ll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.’

‘Is that your final answer?’ asked Chris

‘Dat it is, Sir.’

There was a long – long pause, and then the presenter screamed,

‘Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you’ve won 1 million pounds!’

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

‘Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven’s name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?’

‘Because he lives in a Fookin clock!’

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: “If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.”

I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, “I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?”

Read Full Post »

CONFESSION

A man enters the confessional and says ‘Bless me father for I have sinned; it has been one month since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month.

‘The priest tells the sinner, ‘You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s.

‘Soon, another man enters the confessional. ‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.

‘This time the priest asks, ‘Who is this Fannie Green?

”A new woman in the neighbourhood,’ the sinner replies. ‘Very well,’ says the priest. ‘Go and say ten Hail Mary’s.

‘The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men’s eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Britney Spears style.

The priest turns to the altar boy and whispering asks, ‘Is that Fannie Green?

‘The altar boy replies, ‘No Father, I think it’s just the reflection off her shoes’.

Read Full Post »

SENIOR CITIZEN

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ‘ I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.’

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked

“What are you sellin’ here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling assh*les.”

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, “You’re doing well. Only two left.”

Read Full Post »

PANTIES

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband — who was a big burly man — tossed his trousers to his bride and said, “Here, put these on.”

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. “I cant wear your trousers,” she said.

“That’s right, said the husband, “and don’t you ever forget it. I’m the man who wears the pants in this family.”

With that she flipped him her panties and said, “Try these on.”

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. “Hell,” he said. I cant get into your panties!”

She replied, “That’s right, and that’s the way its going to stay until your attitude changes.”

Read Full Post »

KILLER

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working.

He couldn’t accommodate her with an “after-hours” appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won’t bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!”

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn’t resist saying, “You stupid bird, why don’t you shut up!” To which the bird replied, “Killer, get him!”

Read Full Post »

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it’s cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it’s cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund opened it’s mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. “We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.”

“That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.”

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »