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Archive for June 8th, 2009

4 Weeks

A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, ” We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event.”

“Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment.”

Then the leader said to the group, “What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?”

A gentleman said, ” I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives.”

“Very good!” ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, “I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction.”

“That’s wonderful!” the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.

But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, “I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks.”

Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, “Why your mother-in-laws home?”

Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, “Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!”

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Mohawk

A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intentively on the youth’s multicolored mohawk. The teenager looks over at the man and says “What’s the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?”

The man responeded with “I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son.”

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Monday:
It’s fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday:
Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn’t dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday:
A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can’t say it improved the rice any.

Thursday:
Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

Friday:
I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday:
Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps counting to ten.

Sunday:
Bob’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

Good Night Dear Diary. This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

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Men Jokes

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.

Q How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. We don’t know; it has never happened.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A.Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They’re married.

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Pastimes

For his final project in a statistics class, a student decided to conduct a survey. He chose to find out peoples’ favorite pastimes.

The teacher required that he sample at least 100 people, so he started out his project visiting a fairly large apartment building near the university.

He knocked on the first door and a man answered.

“Sir, what is your name?” asked the student.

“John.”

“Sir, I’m doing a school study and would like to know what is your favorite pastime?”

“Watching bubbles in the bath,” came the reply.

He liked the esoterical answer and continued down the hall, until he came to the next door.

He asked again, “Sir, what is your name ?”

“Jeff.”

“Sir, Would you please tell me your favorite pastime?”

“Watching bubbles in a bath,” was the answer.

Quite amused and confused, he went on to ask a good number of people in the building and all of them had the same pastime… “watching bubbles in a bath”.

He left the building and walked across the street where there were several row houses, to continue the survey.

At the first house, he knocks and an attractive girl opens the door.

Our surveyor starts again – “What is your name?”

“Bubbles.”

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Earl and Bubba, two good ole boys from Dixie are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife – she hasn’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”

Earl spits, sips his beer and says, “You better think it over – women like that are hard to find.”

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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.” “Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground. “What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, COME ON!!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer???”

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