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Archive for June, 2009

Mute

Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.

Mute #1 (SIGN) “What would you like to do?”
Mute #2 (SIGN) “I don’t know, what about you?”
Mute #1 (SIGN) “Let’s get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun.”
Mute #2 (SIGN) “Good idea.”

So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder…

Front Seat Mute (SIGN) “What?”
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) “Have you got any protection?”
Front Seat Mute (SIGN) “No. Don’t you?”
Back Seat Mute (SIGN) “No. We had better go to a drug store and get some.”

They procede to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In two minutes he is back out-side and taps on the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN) “What?”
Outside Mute (SIGN) “I’ve got a problem.”
Inside Mute (SIGN) “What?”
Outside Mute (SIGN) “I can’t make the druggist understand what I want.”

Inside Mute (SIGN) “I know What to do.”
Outside Mute (SIGN) “What?”
Inside Mute (SIGN) “Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He’ll know what you want.”
Outside Mute (SIGN) “Good idea.”

The man goes back into the drug store and two minutes later he’s back at the car window.

Inside Mute (SIGN) “Well?”
Outside Mute (SIGN) “It didn’t work.”
Inside Mute (SIGN) “What do you mean?”
Outside Mute (SIGN) “I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter.
He put his on the counter.
It was bigger than mine.
He took my 5 dollars.”

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Now You Know

The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

Henry got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, ‘The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,’ on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now Henry Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg’s name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show: Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls. So, now you know…

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New Deputy

The Local sheriff was looking for a new deputy. When a blonde walks in to try for the job, he asks her “Okay, what is 1 and 1?”

“Eleven”, she replies.

The sheriff thinks to himself, “That’s not what I wanted, but I guess she’s right!”

“What two days of the week begin with the letter T?” he asks.

“Today and Tomorrow”, the blonde answers.

The sheriff is again surprised that the blonde has supplied a correct answer that had not even occurred to him.

“Now listen carefully, who killed Abe Lincoln?” he asks her.

The blonde looks a little surprised. She thinks really hard for a minute and finally admits, “I don’t know.”

“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, the blonde wanders over to the beauty parlor, where her pals are waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde was exultant. “The interview went great!” she says. “First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

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I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.

Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis…

I don’t know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I’ve ever had.

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Condom Galore

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey – you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who’s next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can’t have just one.

Campbell’s Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.

General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!

AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.

Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today?

Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going….

M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border.

MCI Condoms: For friends and family

Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.

Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack: Delta is ready when you are.

United Airlines Condoms travel pack: Fly United.

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

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The Devil

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

‘Nope, sure ain’t.’ said the man.

Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

‘Don’t doubt it for a minute, ‘ returned the old man, in an even tone.

‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

‘And you’re still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

‘Nope,’ said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘ Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

The man calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years.’

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Oklahoma Fan

A Texas family of football supporters head out one Saturday to the outlet mall to do their tax-free back to school shopping. While in the sports shop the son picks up an Oklahoma jersey and says to his older sister, “I’ve decided to become a Sooner fan and I would like to wear this to school”.

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, “Go talk to mother”.

Off goes the little lad with the Oklahoma jersey in hand and finds his mother.

“Mom?”

“Yes son?”

“I’ve decided I’m going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey”.

The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and says, “Go talk to your father!”

Off he goes with the Oklahoma Jersey in hand and finds his father.

“Dad?”

“Yes son?”

“I’ve decided I’m going to be an Oklahoma fan and I would like to buy this jersey”.

The father is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says, “No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT CRAP!”

About half an hour later they’re all back in the car and heading towards home.

The father turns to his son and says “Son, I hope you’ve learned something today?”

The son says, “Yes, Dad, I have.”

“Good son, what is it?”

To which the son replies, “I’ve only been a Oklahoma fan for an hour and I already hate you Texas fans.

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