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Archive for May 13th, 2009

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.

The first blonde says, “I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island.” Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.

The second sees what happens and says “I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!” She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.

Finally, the third blonde says “I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island.” She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

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Texas Law

Texas Judge gives 7 year old right to decide custody.

Dallas, TX, December 31, 2008

A seven year old boy was at the center of a county courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn’t seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

Finally, he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having sex?”

“Well, yes, I did once.”

“Well, how did she look?”

“Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!”

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, “Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further.

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”

“She was watching us through the window.”

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Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Richard the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Richard revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King’s chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Richard the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Richard the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen’s brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Richard the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Richard the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Richard the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Richard worked passionately on the Queen’s voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Richard the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Richard the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Richard the Dragon Slayer couldn’t have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Richard the Dragon Slayer…

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Joe’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”

“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Joe interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”

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