Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for May 11th, 2009

One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William’s dad took him aside. “Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She’s a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.”

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.”

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half-sister too, William. I’m awfully sorry about this.”

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.”

His mother just shook her head. “Don’t pay any attention to what he says, dear. He’s not really your father.”

Read Full Post »

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it was those bast*rds at the Post Office.

Edna

Read Full Post »

When they reached the pearly gates. St. Peter was there to greet them. St. Peter said to the nuns “Before you can enter you each have to answer one question correctly.”

So, St. Peter goes to the first nun and asked “Who was the first man God had created”.

The first nun looked at St. Peter and said “Oh, that’s easy, Adam”..

The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said “You may enter”.

Then St. Peter goes to the second nun and asked “Who was the first woman God had created”.

The second nun looks at St. Peter and said “Oh, that’s easy, Eve”.

The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said “You may enter”.

Then St. Peter goes to the third nun and asked “What were the first words Eve said to Adam”.

The third woman starts thinking then looked at St. Peter and said “Oh, that’s a hard one”.

The trumpets sounded, the gates open and St. Peter said “You may enter”…..

Read Full Post »

Exercise

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.

I don’t exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-county skiing, start with a small country.

I don’t jog; it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

It is well documented that for every mile that you jog….. you add one minute to your life …. This enables you, at 85 years old…. to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

Read Full Post »