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Archive for May, 2009

Math Job

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks “What do two plus two equal?”

The mathematician replies “Four.”

The interviewer asks “Four, exactly?”

The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says

“Yes, four, exactly.”

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question

“What do two plus two equal?”

The accountant says “On average, four – give or take ten percent, but on average, four.”

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question

“What do two plus two equal?”

The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says “What do you want it to equal?”

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Bad Bernie

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, “F.F.”

His wife turned to him and answered, “E.F.”

Out on the highway, he said, “F.F.”

She responded simply, “E.F.”

He repeated, “F.F.”

She again replied, “E.F.”

“Mom! Dad!” their son yelled. “What’s going on?”

Bad Bernie answered, “Your mother wants to eat first!”

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1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.

2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound the make as they go flying by.

3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

5. Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.

9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.

10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the hell is the ceiling?!”

12. My Reality Check bounced.

13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

14. I don’t suffer from stress. I’m a carrier.

15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, ‘cuz, like to them, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.

18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

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Battery

The place where I work decided to provide company-paid cell phones to the “suits” upstairs. After negotiating a deal with a cell phone company, we arranged for the phones to be sent to the homes of the various VIP’s.

The day after delivery, I received a call from a partner screaming about how his cell phone didn’t work. He said he charged it overnight just like the sheet said, but in the morning, it wouldn’t power up.

I asked EXACTLY what he did with the phone when he got it.

“I took it out, plugged the charger into the wall and into the phone.”

“Did you put the battery in the phone?”

“Not the extra one.”

“Sir, the phone only came with one battery.”

(Pause) “Oh, I think I figured out what’s wrong with it.”

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Smoking

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, “It’s bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn’t find them.”

The second nun said, “I’ve found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.”

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them. “You get them at a drug store, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.”

The next day the good sister went to the drugs store and walked up to the counter.”Good morning, sister,” the pharmacist said, “what can I do for you today?” “I’d like some condoms please,” said the nun.

The druggist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, “How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.” “I’ll take six boxes. That should last about a week,” said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice. “Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.”

The sister thought for a minute and finally said: “I’m not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel?”

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Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, A Marine husband called home to tell his wife he would be late – again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in the platoon’s quarters and they had to discipline the whole squad. She launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their quarters at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something trivial.

The husband calmly listened to my gripes and then explained, “Dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned.”

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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business.

Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George (and several others) that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.

He didn’t explain, defend, or deny.

He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house… walked home… and left it there all night.

You gotta love George.

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