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Archive for April 6th, 2009

Valentines

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A: I’m stuck on you.

Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine’s Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a french chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is the difference between a girl who is sick of her boyfriend and a sailor who falls into the ocean?
A: One is bored over a man the other is a man overboard.

Q: What is a vampire’s sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn’t get a date.

Q: Why is lettuce the most loving vegetable?
A: Because it’s all heart.

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A lawyer, a priest, and a young boy were in a plane that was going to crash, yet they only had 2 parachutes. The lawyer proclaimed that since he was the smartest man on the plane, that he deserved to survive. He took a chute and jumped.

The priest looked and the young boy, and reflecting back on his life, told the young boy to take the last parachute since he had already lived a wonderful and full life.

The boy replied, “You can have the other chute because the smartest man on this plane just jumped out with my book bag!”

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Mrs Hatcher

Ninety-four-year-old Mrs. Hatcher showed up at her lawyer’s

office one Monday morning. “I want you to begin divorce

proceedings,” she announced.

The lawyer was aghast. When he regained his composure, he said,

“Mrs. Hatcher, you and your husband have been married for over

seventy years. What in the world could have happened to make

you want to get divorced at this stage in your life?”

Mrs. Hatcher looked him squarely in the eye. She cleared her

throat and said, “We wanted to wait until all the children were

dead.”

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Irish Smile

New Irish Priest in Boston Father Kelly rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Southie parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of hisfront lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this: “Good morning. This is Sergeant Leone. How might I help you?” “And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father Kelly at St.Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind asto send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter? Sergeant Leone, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father Kelly then replied: “Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin”.

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Middle Age

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, “Is my time up”?
God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of the car?”
God replied, “Girrrlllllll, I didn’t even recognize you

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Duck Bill

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned
because the duck wouldn’t eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age
their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and
make it difficult for the animal to pick up it’s food.

“What you need to do is gently file the upper bill
down even with the lower bill.

But you must be extra careful because the duck’s
nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down
too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it’ll
drown.”

The man goes about his business and about a week later
the Doctor runs into his patient.

“Well, how is that duck of yours?” the Doctor
inquires.

“He’s dead,” declared the heartbroken man.

“I told you not to file his upper bill down too far!

He took a drink of water and drowned didn’t he?”
insisted the Doctor.

“No.” lamented the man. “I think he was dead before I
took him out of the vise.”

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