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Archive for April, 2009

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George’s dad took him aside, “Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she’s a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.”

“Susan is actually your half sister, and I’m afraid you can’t marry her.” George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, “Diane said yes! We’re getting married in June.” Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Diane is your half sister too, George.

“I’m awfully sorry about this.” George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

“Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” he complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister.”

“Hee hee,” his mother chuckled, shaking her head, “Don’t pay any attention to what he says. He’s not really your father.”

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A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning.

“I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it’s runny, and the other so over cooked, it’s tough and hard to eat. Also, grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze, so that it’s impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, lukewarm.”

“That’s a complicated order, sir,” said the bewildered waiter. “It might be quite difficult.”

The guest replied, “Oh, but that’s what you gave me yesterday!”

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A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.”

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. “Where are you?” the man asked. “Who are you?”

“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.

“Oh yeah?” the man asked. “And where the hell were you when I got married?”

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Fruit Picking

There were three friends Chris, John and Keith, who decided one sunny day to go for a walk in the forest. After a while they realized that they were lost. And before they knew it they were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told them that the only way they could survive from the cannibals was to pass the trial. The frist step of the trial was to go into the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So they thought that was easy enough, and all three friends went their separate ways to gather fruits.

Chris came back first and said to the king. ” I brought ten apples.”

The king then explained the next part of the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you will be eaten. The first apple went in… but on the second one he screamed out with pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

Then John arrived and shows the king his ten fruits which were berries. When the king explained the trial to him, he thought to himself that this should be a piece of cake. 1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8… on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therfore he was also killed.

After a while Chris and John met in heaven. Then Chris asked John, ” Why did you laugh?, you almost got away with it!”

Chris replied, ” I know, I couldn’t help it. I was doing fine when all of a sudden Keith showed up with all those watermelons!”

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The Blind Man

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.

“Can I come in?” a male voice asks.

“Who is it?” the woman asks.

“It is the blind man” says the voice on the other side of the door.

The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, “Well, he’s blind anyway”.

The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, “Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?”

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A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

MOST HONORABLE SIR:
YOU LEAVE HOUSE
I WATCH HOUSE
HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH.
HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW.
HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE.
I LOOK IN WINDOW.
HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE.
HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE.
HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE.
I PLAY WITH ME. I FALL OUT OF TREE. I NOT SEE.

NO FEE,

CHEN LEE.

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The Mirror

There was once a magic mirror in a ladies room in a bar. If one stood in front of this mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie, *POOF* you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.” *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Next, a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I think I think I’m the sexiest woman alive! *POOF* The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, “I think…” *POOF*

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