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Archive for March, 2009

A lady walks into the drugstore and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.

“Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?” “To kill my husband.”

“I can’t sell you arsenic to kill a person!”

The lady lays down a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position.

The man is her husband and the woman is the pharmacist’s wife.

He takes the photo, and nods. “I didn’t realize you had a prescription!”

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Don’t let worry kill you. Let the Church help.· Thursday night-Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

· Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

· For those of you who have children and don\’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

· Thursday at 5PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers, please see the minister in his private study.
· This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

· Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

· A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

· At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be \”What is Hell?\” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
· The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

· Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

· The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.

· Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
· 8 new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

· The Senior Choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.

· Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child.

and last but not least…

· Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

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One Easter Sunday


One Easter Sunday in a large Baptist church in Birmingham, Al., the minister decided to have all the young children come forward to the front of the sanctuary in their new Easter outfits for a quick “children’s sermon.” He couldn’t help but notice one especially pretty little blond-haired, blue-eyed girl about five or six years old. She was wearing a beautiful white frilly dress, with rows and rows of ruffles head to toe. But she had such a sad expression on her face.

Trying to cheer her up, the minister called her by name, and said “you look SO lovely this morning. And I know you will wear that dress a lot because it is SO gorgeous.”

Sadly, she shook her head, and said, “no, preacher, I won’t ever wear this dress again.”

Naturally, he couldn’t imagine that response…. so he said, “but, honey, you look so beautiful in that dress.”

The little girl said, “well, thank you preacher, but I will never wear this dress again.”

The minister said, “well, I just have to ask you WHY… when it is so pretty.”

She very matter of factly (and in a rather LOUD voice) replied, “because my momma says it’s a PAIN to iron!!”

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2006

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don’t have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways ! to smile . : )

12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on
this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Go on, forward this to your friends you know you want to! !

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7 Men

The Doctor – who tells her to “take off all her clothes.”

The Dentist – who tells her to “open wide.”

The Milkman – who asks her “do you want it in the front or the back?”

The Hairdresser – who asks her “do you want it teased or blown?”

The Interior Designer – who tells her “once it’s inside, you’ll LOVE it!”

The Banker – who insists to her “if you take it out too soon, you’ll lose
interest!”

The Primal Hunter – who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots
twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her “Keep quiet and lie still!”

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A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner.”

No one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off the corner!” Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

“Pretty good,” replied the veteran, “especially since this was a bus stop.”

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LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove.
DOWNLOAD: Gettin’ the farwood off the truck
MEGA HERTZ: When yer not keerful gettin’ the farwood
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM: That thing tha splits the farwood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin’ home in the winter time
PROMPT: What the mail ain’t in the winter time
WINDOWS: What to shut when it’s cold outside
SCREEN: What to shut when it’s black fly season
BYTE: What them dang flies do
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
MICRO CHIP: What’s in the bottom of the munchie bag
MODEM: Whatcha did to the hay fields
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix’s wife
LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps
KEYBOARD: Where ya hang the dang truck keys
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knives
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
MOUSE PAD: That’s hippie talk fer the mouse hole
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
ENTER: Northerner talk fer “c’mon in, y’all”

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When ya can’t ‘member what ya pai
d fer the rifle

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