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Archive for December, 2008

Cracker Jokes

Q: What did the fireman’s wife get for Christmas?
A: A ladder in her stocking

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Q: What’s white and goes up?
A: A confused snowsflake

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Q: Why are school cooks so cruel?
A: Because they batter fish and beat eggs

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Q: What ring is square?
A: A boxing ring

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Q: What was the tortoise doing on the motorway?
A: About 1 mile per hour

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Q: Why is milk fast?
A: Because it is pasteurised before you see it

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Q: If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make?
A: Sippers

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Q: What kind of sweet goes swinging through the jungle?
A: Tarzi-pan

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Q: How can you stop a rhino from charging?
A: Take away it’s credit cards

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Q: What is an underground train full of professors called?
A: A tube of smarties

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Q: What do ghosts like about tall buildings?
A: They have got lots of scare cases

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Q: What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow!

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Q: What does Santa Claus use to weed his garden?
A: His hoe hoe hoe!

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This year, I resolve to…

– Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

– Stop exercising. Waste of time.

– Read less. Makes you think.

– Watch more TV. I’ve been missing some good stuff.

– Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

– Spend more time at work, surfing with the T1.

– Take a vacation to someplace important: like, to see the largest ball of twine.

– Not jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.

– Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.

– Not have eight children at once.

– Get in a whole NEW rut!

– Start being superstitious.

– Personal goal: bring back disco.

– Not bet against the Minnesota Vikings.

– Buy an ’83 Eldorado and invest in a really loud stereo system.

– Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.

– Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabicwords.

– Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

– Spend my summer vacation in Cyberspace.

– Not eat cloned meat.

– Create loose ends.

– Get more toys.

– Get further in debt.

– Not believe politicians.

– Not drive a motorized vehicle across thin ice.

– Avoid transmission of inter-species diseases.

– Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

– Stay off the International Space Station.

– Not swim with pirhanas or sharks.

– Associate with even worse business clients.

– Spread out priorities beyond my ability to keep track of them.

– Wait around for opportunity.

– Focus on the faults of others.

– Mope about my faults.

– Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

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Santas Elves

Santa’s elves are actually subordinate Clauses.

When they are making toys, they sing “Love Me Tender.” That’s why we call them Santa’s little Elvis.

They think that all the work they do getting ready for Christmas is just like a day at the office. They do all the work but the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. Not only that, but anytime he wants to, Santa could give them the sack.

A group of elves have banded together and started a rebellion to protest the terrible working conditions. They call themselves the Santanistas. They just want higher elf esteem.

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The Great Outdoors

We are told these are actual comments left on Forest Service comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

* “A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of    pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”
* “Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”
* “Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”
* “Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”
* “Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”
* “All the mile markers are missing this year.”
* “Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”
* “Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”
* “Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”
* “Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.”
* “The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”
* “Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.”
* “Need more signs to keep area pristine.”
* “A McDonald’s would be nice at the trailhead.”
* “The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.”
* “Too many rocks in the mountains.”

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The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

The following appeared on the back page of one of Australia’s more outrageous computer publications, “Computing Australia”, 21st Sept 1987: … Blame it on the computer.

An unfriendly computer has been held responsible for a “potentially lethal error” involving a Mafia loan collector.

A New York paper inadvertently put the `heavy’ in the running for a pair of custom-fitted concrete shoes when it identified him as a “ruthless informer”.

According to a published retraction (and apology!), a writer on the paper had actually typed “ruthless enforcer” – but the computer system’s spelling checker liked it the other way.

And I thought the worst you could expect from a “computer error” was a bill for a million dollars!

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