Archive for November 24th, 2008

Corny Oneliners

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday

Women like silent men, they think they’re listening

Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth. Deal with it

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

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Out of Office

* I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
* You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
* I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless e-mails you send me until I return from vacation on 01/05. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
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* Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
* Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.
* I’ve run away to join a different circus.

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2 Pork Chops

A woman walks into a restaurant, and sat down, and said to the waiter, “I’d like two pork chops, and make them lean.”

The waiter replied, “Yes, ma’am. Which way?”

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1. What did the turkey say just before he was roasted?
Boy, am I stuffed!
2. What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock.
3. How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore.
4. the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.
5. What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turKEY.
6. Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
7. What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape.
8. Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam.
9. Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside.

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