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Archive for November, 2008

Corny Oneliners

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor

Atheism is a non-prophet organization

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren’t going as ghosts, but as mattresses?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him…is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Is it true that cannibals don’t eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

The older you get, the better you realize you were

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday

Women like silent men, they think they’re listening

Men are from Earth, Women are from Earth. Deal with it

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?

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Out of Office

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* I’ve run away to join a different circus.

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2 Pork Chops

A woman walks into a restaurant, and sat down, and said to the waiter, “I’d like two pork chops, and make them lean.”

The waiter replied, “Yes, ma’am. Which way?”

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1. What did the turkey say just before he was roasted?
Boy, am I stuffed!
2. What kind of music did the Pilgrims listen to?
Plymouth Rock.
3. How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore.
4. the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.
5. What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turKEY.
6. Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks.
7. What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape.
8. Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam.
9. Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside.

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Corny Christmas Jokes

What did the dog breeder get when she crossed an Irish Setter with a Pointer at Christmastime?
A “pointsetter”!

What do sheep say to each other at Christmastime?
Merry Christmas to ewe!

What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime?
Season’s Bleatings!

How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico?
Fleece Navidad!

How do Chihuahua’s say Merry Christmas?
Fleas Navidog!

What’s the best thing to put into Christmas dinner?
Your teeth!

Why should Christmas dinner always be well done?
So you can say “Merry Crispness”!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

A definition of Christmas:
The time when everyone gets “Santa”-mental.

What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time?
A sad candy cane!

What did one Christmas cracker say to the other Christmas cracker?
My POP is bigger than yours!

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Donut.
Donut who?
Donut open ’til Christmas!

What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood!

What comes at the end of Christmas Day?
The letter “Y”!

What do angry mice send to each other in December?
Cross mouse cards!

What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has “no EL”!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!

What happens if you eat too many Christmas decorations?
You get “Tinsel”-itis!

“Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?”
“No, I wouldn’t know how to feed them.”

What is the best key to get at Christmas?
A turkey!

What’s the best thing to give your parents for Christmas?
A list of everything you want!

Why is it so cold at Christmas?
Because it’s in Decembrrrr!

What kind of Christmas tree comes from Hawaii?
“O Tanning Palms”!

What do wild animals sing at Christmastime?
Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way!

What’s the favourite Christmas Carol of new parents?
Silent Night!

Where do mistletoe go to become famous?
“Holly” wood!

What did one Christmas light say to the other Christmas light?
You light me up!

A Christmas thought:
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

Why do Mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping!

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Father Christmas Jokes

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?

Santa Clues !

Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.

Now thats what you call pot luck !

What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?

Freeze a jolly good fellow !

What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?

Santapplause !

Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar

Santa drives a rusty car

Press the starter

Press the choke

Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !

Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?

Santa Jaws !

Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?

Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?

Because they both have “Sandy claws” !

What does Father Christmas call his money ?

Iced lolly ?

What’s Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?

Santa pause !

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Father Christmas win a saucepan in a competition.
Now thats what you call pot luck !
What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday ?
Freeze a jolly good fellow !
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas ?
Santapplause !
Twinkle Twinkle chocolate bar
Santa drives a rusty car
Press the starter
Press the choke
Off he goes in a cloud of smoke !
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas ?
Santa Jaws !
Why does Father Christmas like to work in the garden ?
Because he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe !
Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas ?
Because they both have “Sandy claws” !
What does Father Christmas call his money ?
Iced lolly ?
What’s Father Christmas called when he takes a rest while delivering presents ?
Santa pause !

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