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Archive for October, 2008

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.
When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and
said, “Wow, these seats are big!”
The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in
Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit
a bar. Upon arriving in the bar, he ordered a beer and
got a mug placed between his hands.
He exclaimed, “Wow these mugs are big!”

The bartender replied, “Everything is big in Texas.”

After a couple of beers, the blind man asked the
bartender where the bathroom was located.

The bartender replied, “Second door to the right.”

The blind man headed for the bathroom, but
accidentally tripped over a bucket and skipped the second door.
Instead, he entered the third door, which lead to the
swimming pool and fell into the pool by accident.

Scared to death, the blind man started shouting…
“Don’t flush, don’t flush!”

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New Alphabet

A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, But now it won’t float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let’s be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A’s for arthritis; B’s the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line!

F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure–I’d rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow!
P for prescription’s, I have quite a few,
Just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there’s bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that’s “dizzy,” you know.
W is for worry, NOW what’s going ’round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is another year I’m left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have– in my mind.
I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed,
and I’ve kept twenty-six doctors fully employed

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Shoplifting

A 57-year-old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When
she went before
the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” She
replied: a can of
peaches.

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she
replied that she was
hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the
can. She replied 6.

The judge then said, “I will give you 6 days in jail.”

Before the judge could actually pronounce the
punishment the woman’s
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say
something.

He said,” What is it? “

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

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Old Farmer

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and
bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John
Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not
yelled.

* Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than
you.

* It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never
gonna happen anyway.

* Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good honorable life. Then when you get older
and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

* Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’
you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain
dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to
do is stop diggin’.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have
to deal with, watches you from the mirror every
mornin’.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta
that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier
than puttin’ it back in.

* If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some
influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak
kindly. Leave the rest to God.

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