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Archive for October, 2008

Women in a Bar

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”
The lady asks, “How do I do it without surgery?”
“Just rub toilet paper between them.”
Startled the lady asks, “How does that make them bigger?”
“I don’t know, but it worked for your a$.”

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English is Easy

Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visib le, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. – Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”

A:What did a big chimney say to the small one?

B:??

A:Child you smoke too much!

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Cowboy and Cowgirl

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.

On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other’s bodies.

Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband’s penis.

“Oh my”, she says, “What is that?”

“Well, darlin”, the cowboy says, “That’s ma rope”.

She slides her hands further down and gasps.
“Oh my goodness. What’s them?” she asks.

“Honey, them’s my knots”, he answers.

Finally, the couple begin to make love.
After several minutes, the bride says, “Stop honey. Wait a minute”.

Her husband, panting a little, asks,
“What’s the matter honey? Am I hurting you?”

“No”, the bride replies.
“Just undo them darn knots. I need more rope!”

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Poor Old Man

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he’s crying. The old man says, “I’m retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day”
The young man says, “Well then why the h*ll are you crying!?”

The old man replies, “I can’t remember where I live!

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Taxi

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to
ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control
of the car, nearly hit a bus, went on the footpath,
and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second, everything went quiet in the cab, then
the driver said, “Look mate, don’t ever do that again.
You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize
that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your
fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver – I’ve been
driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”

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Game of Golf

Jesus, Moses, and another guy are standing on the tee
of a water hazard. Jesus hits the ball and hooks it
into the water. Next, Moses tees up and also hooks it
into the water. The third guy comes up to the tee and as
he hits a big gust of wind comes up and blows his ball
into the water as well.

All three walk up to the water together, Moses walks
up to the water and strikes it with his sand wedge.The
water parts and he hits it onto the fairway.

Next Jesus walks onto the water, the ball rises to the
top of the water and Jesus pulls out his 5 iron and
hits onto the green.

The third guy just stands there a moment, all of a
sudden a fishereagle dives from the sky grabs the third
guys ball out of the water carries it to the green and
drops it into the hole. Moses turns to Jesus and says
“That’s the last time we play with your dad.

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Life

On the first day, God created the dog and said: “Sit
all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone
who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you
a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said: “That’s a long time to be barking. How
about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other
ten?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
“Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For
this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said: “Monkey tricks for twenty years?
That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you
back ten like the Dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: “You
must go into the field with the farmer all day
long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will
give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said: “That’s kind of a tough life you want me
to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll
give back the other forty?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: “Eat,
sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll
give you twenty years.”
But man said: “Only twenty years? Could you possibly
give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten
the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back;
that makes eighty, okay?”

“Okay,” said God, “You asked for it.”

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep,
play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years
we slave in the sun to support our family. For the
next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

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