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Archive for May, 2008

Underpriviliged

We just spent several hours observing teenagers hanging out
at our local mall. We came to the conclusion that many teenagers in
America today are living in poverty. Most young men We observed didn’t
even own a belt; there was not one among the whole group.

But that wasn’t the sad part. Many were wearing their
daddy’s jeans.
Some jeans were so big and baggy they hung low on their hips,
exposing their underwear. I know some must have been ashamed their
daddy was short, because his jeans hardly went below their knees.
They weren’t even their daddies’ good jeans, for most had holes
ripped in the knees and a dirty look to them.

It grieved us, in a modern, affluent society like America,
that there are those who can’t afford a decent pair of jeans. I
was
thinking about asking my church to start a jeans drive for
“poor kids at the mall.” Then on Christmas Eve, we could
go Christmas caroling and distribute jeans to these poor teenagers.

But here is the saddest part…it was the girls that were
hanging out there that disturbed us most. Never, in all of our lives,
have we seen such poverty-stricken girls. These girls had the
opposite problem of the guys. They all had to wear their
little sister’s clothes. Their jeans were about 5 sizes too small!
I don’t know how they could get them on, let alone button them up.
Their jeans barely went over their hipbones. Most also had on their
little sister’s top; it hardly covered their midsections.

Oh, they were trying to hold their heads up with pride, but it was a
sad sight to see these almost grown women wearing children’s clothes.

However, it was their underwear that bothered us most.
They, like the boys, because of the improper fitting of their clothes,
had their underwear exposed. We had never seen anything
like it. It looked like their underwear was only held together
by a single piece of string.

We know it saddens your heart to receive this report on
condition of our American teenagers. While we go to bed every
night with closets full of clothes nearby, there are millions of
“mall girls” who barely have enough material to keep it together.
We think their “poorness” is why these two groups gather at the
mall; boys with their short daddies’ ripped jeans, and girls wearing
their younger sisters’ clothes. The mall is one place where
they can find acceptance. So, next time you are at the mall,
doing your shopping , and you pass by some of these poor teenagers,

would you say a prayer for them?

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Idiots

“If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up,”

said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?!” inquired the teacher with a sneer.

“Well actually I don’t,” said the student,

“but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

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An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You’d be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut–you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider’s home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!

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Headlines

Polyphonic telephone 32 times more annoying than monophonic equivalentsLong admired hero turns out to be asshole in real life

Half-time entertainment politely endured by crowd

Boyfriend contrives to tiff solely to illicit make up sex

Whoopee cushion amuses Rob Schnieder for hours

Alcoholic horse breaks into decanter

Man impatient after 30 second wait at McDonalds

Rock star declares love for 118 cities during tour

Father with 6 daughters was clearly trying for a boy

9 yo appalled by 7 yo immaturity

Chernobyl resident still waiting on all clear to leave basement.

Witty banner outside church converts atheist
Man who knows a lot about art still unsure what he likes

Dentist’s jokes fail despite laughing gas
Man spends entire safety demonstration wondering what the hostess would look like naked

Caterpillar having mid life crisis buys red sports cocoon

Call placed on hold not actually all that important to call centre

Mc Donald’s conducts survey that finds there are more pickles on the walls that were actually eaten

Soccer hooligan awards himself free kick at opposition fan

Suspected chemical facility in Iraq turns out to be amphetamines lab

George W Bush disappointed by poor construction of effigy burned by mob

Much more work clearly put into video clip than song

Mans bookshelf full of books he never finished

Drag queen adds third pout to devastating arsenal of comical facial expressions

J. K. Rowling secretly busting to write romance novel

Actual “frat house” party fails miserably in comparison to “Animal House”.

Snooty restaurant sacks waiter for being polite

Garbage collectors make as much noise as possible at 5am

Pot belly comes with convenient love handles

Violent movie director blames actions on serial killers

Woman selling roses at restaurant not even trying anymore

Car still broken down after man spends 10 mins looking under bonnet

Current Miss Universe devastated that world peace not occurring on her watch

Chinese restaurant tea pot designed to spill tea all over table

American, Australian & Englishman still in bar waiting for something funny to happen

Sore losing trivial pursuit player claims capital of Iceland highly objective

Sniffer dog trained to detect drugs, scrotums

Butler does it

Filmmaker discovers Stephen King novel not yet turned into movie

T shirt slogan ironic

Couple go to mud patch for dirty weekend

Breakfast radio team clearly nursing killer hangovers

Instant soup only needs hot water to taste repulsive

Plastic recycler pays $2.50 for Michael Jackson
Fountain pen proves much more trouble than its worth

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1. Men are like …Laxatives…They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like ..Bananas…The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like .Weather… Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders… You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like .Chocolate Bars… Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like .Commercials… You can’t believe all they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores.. Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

8. Men are like .Government Bonds… They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like .Mascara… They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like .Popcorn… They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like .Snowstorms… You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like .Lava Lamps… Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like .Parking Spots… All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Now send this to all the remarkable women you know, as well as to any understanding good-natured, fun kinda guys you might be lucky enough to know !!!!!!!!!!

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A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season
in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway.

A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew
his bow and took careful aim.

Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed
at a funeral procession passing on the road below
their stand.
The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow,
took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in
prayer.

His friend was amazed. “Wow, that is the most
thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the
kindest man I have ever known.”

The hunter shrugged. “Yeah, well, we were married for
35 years.”

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Honeymoon Prank

Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his
friends were married,
Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played
upon them. Now
ready to be married himself, he was dreading the
payback he knew was
coming.

Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch.
No one stood up
during the pause to offer a reason ‘why this couple
should not be
married’. His reception wasn’t disrupted by streakers
or strippers,
and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon
was in perfect
working order.

When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the
room, Bill even
checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always
loved).
Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had
come away
unscathed, the couple fell into bed and put their
attention to
consummating the union.

Upon waking after such an active night, the couple was
ravenous so
Bill called down to room service and asked “Can I get
breakfast for
two?”. Before he was able to hang up, however, a soft
voice from under
the bed said “Make that five…”

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A lifelong farmer was excited to hear the news that someone had bought the farmhouse and land across the road from his, as it had lain fallow for quite some time, as had many farms in the new age of big farming co-ops. Finally, the day came when his new neighbor arrived and he was surprised to see that it was a very young man all by himself.

The farmer watched as the young man moved into the farmhouse and then walked across the road and knocked on the door to introduce himself.

“I’m your neighbor across the road and I wanted to welcome you and I must say that I am pleasantly surprised to see a young man wanting to make a go as a farmer these days.”

“I just graduated from college with a degree in agriculture and I just love farming and the country,” the young man replied.

“I’m determined to make a go of farming .”

“Well” said the old farmer, “it’s not easy these days, and, no matter what they may have told you in farming, there’s nothing like experience I say, so if you ever need any help or advice just let me know.”

“Thank you very kindly,” said the young farmer, “I’ll be sure and do just that.” And so they parted company.

Several days went by until one day there was a knock at the old farmer’s door and there was the young farmer with a large tne-gallon style hat in his hand “Say neighbor,” he said, “I noticed that out in the pasture behind your house it looks like you have quite a bit of milkweed.

It’s been a long time since I had any nice fresh milk and if you don’t mind, I would like to get some milk.” “That’s a good one, young fellow”, said the old farmer, but the young farmer said, “No, I really would like some milk if you would be so kind”.

And the older farmer said, “Son, I don’t know what they taught you in school, but you can’t get milk from milkweed.” “I’d sure like to try” said the young man and the farmer said “Well then,” if you don’t believe me, you go right ahead” and then he walked back in the house chuckling.

Not long afterwards, there was another knock at the door, and there was the young farmer,his hat full of milk, who said “I just wanted to say ‘thank you’ for the milk, friend” and the old farmer said “Alright, I see the joke is on me and it was a good one.Where did you get the milk?

Did you milk one of my cows?” “Oh no, sir, I would never do that” the young farmer said, “I got it from the milkweed, just like I told you I would”.

“If you say so, son” the old farmer replied and then turned back into the house thinking that his young neighbor was a bit of a trickster. A few days later, the young neighbor appeared at his door, hat in hand, and made another request. “Sorry to bother you, sir, but it looks to me like you have quite a bit of honeysuckle growing all along the fencelline up on yonder hill, and it has been a long time since I had any honey.

I was wondering if you minded terribly letting me get some honey.” “Now lookee here,” said the old farmer, “honey does not come from honeysuckle any more than milk came from those milkweeds. That’s just the name of the plant and unless you are a hummingbird or butterfly you’ll get nothing like honey from those plants.”

“I’d still like to try, sir” said the young man, and the farmer just waved him on towards the honeysuckle, thinking I won’t let him fool me this time and so he watched him took a peek out the window every few minutes as the young man made his way to the honey suckle and worked his way along the fenceline far up the hill.

Before long, the young man began walking back towards the farm house, whistling as he walked. This time the old farmer met him on the porch smiling and said, “Well young fellow, did you find out that you can’t get any honey . . .” and then stopped talking and dropped his jaw as he saw that the young man was carrying a bucket filled almost to overlowing with golden honey.

“Wha, wha, where did that come from” he stuttered, and the young man said “Why, it came from your honeysuckle, sir, and I surely do thank you for it”.

“Sure it did, son, sure it did” said the farmer and he turned his back and closed the door,trying to figure out how the young man got the honey without him seeing it. Finally he figured that there must be a hollowed tree the other side of the honeysucke and he had sim[ly missed it when the young man got the honey and so he’d been taken once again.

A few more days passed and there again was a knock at the old farmers door and the young man standing at the door, hat in hand. “What is it this time”, the old farmer said, no longer in a mood to be played with”.

“I don’t mean to be a bother” said the young man, “but I was wondering if that might be your pond down at the end of the back pasture?” “It is”, said the farmer.

“Well” said the young man, “Are those trees on the bank by any chance pussy willows?” and the farmer said “Wait just a minute, let me go get my hat!”

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Farmer Joe

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

”Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–“

”I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. ”Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

”Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–”

”Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe’s answer and told the lawyer so.

”Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ol’ Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, ‘Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'”

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Housecleaning

MY PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!
I don’t do windows because …Smiley

I love birds

and don’t want one to run into a clean window

and get hurt.

I don’t wax floors because …

I am terrified a guest

will slip and get hurt

then I’ll feel terrible

( plus they may sue me.)

I don’t mind the dust bunnies because ..

They are very good company,

I have named most of them,

and they agree with everything I say.

I don’t disturb cobwebs because …

I want every creature

to have a home of their own.

I don’t Spring Clean because …

I love all the seasons

and don’t want the others

to get jealous.

I don’t pull weeds

in the garden because ..

I don’t want to get

in God’s way,

HE is an excellent designer!

I don’t put things away because …

My husband

will never be able

to find them again.

I don’t do gourmet meals

when I entertain

because …

I don’t want my guests

to stress out over what

to make when

they invite me

over for dinner.

I don’t iron because …

I choose to believe them

when they say “Permanent Press”.

I don’t stress much on anything because …

“A Type” personalities

die young

and I want to stick around

and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ woman!!!!

REMEMBER . . .

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