A Christmas Greeting

I really wanted to send out some sort of holiday
greeting but it is so difficult in today’s world to know
exactly what to say without offending someone. So I met
with my attorney yesterday, and on his advice I want
to say to all of you: Please accept with no obligation,
implied or implicit my best wishes for an
environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive gender neutral, celebration of the winter
solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable
traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or
secular practices of your choice, with respect for the
religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of
others, or their choice not to practice religious or
secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally
successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally
accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for
the calendars of choice of other cultures whose
contributions to society have helped make America great (not
to imply that America is necessarily greater than any
other country or is the only “AMERICA” in the western
hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed,
color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual
preference of the wishee. By accepting this greeting,
you are accepting these terms: This greeting is
subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely
transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It
implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement
any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is
void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the
sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to
perform as expected within the usual application of
good tidings for a period of one year, or until the
issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes
first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this
wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion
of the wisher.

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Church Organist

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never
been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a
cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water
floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange
floater, but soon it got the better of
him and he could no longer resist.
“Miss Beatrice,” he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?”
pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the
park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The
directions said to
place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of
disease. And you know . . . I haven’t had a cold all winter.”

Here’s hoping you have a healthy winter….

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Moral of the Story’

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at
the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one
by one began to tell their stories.

“Johnny, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told a story about my Aunt Judy.
Aunt Judy was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane
got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and
all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down
so it wouldn’t fall into enemy hands and then her
parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy
troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran
out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, ’til
the blade broke and then she killed the last one with
her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What kind
of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible
story?”

“Stay the h*ll away from Aunt Judy when she’s been
drinking.”

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38 Revolver

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his
grandson
to his bed. “Grandson I wanna you lisin to me. I want
for you to
take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always
remember me.”

“But grandpa I really don’t like guns, how about you
leaving me
your Rolex watch instead. “

“You lisina to me, soma day you goin a be
runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife,
lotsa money,
a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.”

“Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife
in bed
with another man. What do you do than?
Point to your watch and say TIMES UP?”

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Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Darn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

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Internet Geek

10. When filling out your driver’s license application
you give your IP address.

9. You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign
is, instead your line is “Hi, what’s your URL?”

8. Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends
e-mail.

7. You’re amazed to find out spam is a food.

6. You “ping” people to see if they’re awake, “finger”
them to find out how they are, and “AYT” them to make
sure they’re listening to you.

5. You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every
silly free T-shirt contest.

4. You introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife” and
refer to your children as “client applications”.

3. At social functions you introduce your husband as
“my domain server”.

2. After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt
out, “I feel so “colon-right parentheses!”

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1. Two Words: “Pizza’s Here!”

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