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Archive for April 15th, 2008

Howdy

Dear Consumers:

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the WINDOWS 2005 Arkansas EDITION may have accidentally been shipped outside of the STATE of Arkansas .

If you have one of these, you may need help understanding the commands. The Arkansas EDITION may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads: WINDERS 2005, with a background picture of Waylon and Willie superimposed on a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Please also note:

The Recycle Bin is labeled “Outhouse ”
My Computer is called “This Dern Contraption”
Dial Up Networking is called ” Good Ol’ Boys”
Control Panel is known as ” The Dashboard”
Hard Drive is referred to as ” 4-Wheel Drive ”
Floppi! es are “Them little ol’ plastic thangs”
Instead of an error message, ” Duct Tape” pops up

CHANGES IN TERMINOLOGY IN Arkansas EDITION :
Cancel…………stopdat
Reset…………..try’er agin
Yes……………yep
No…………….nope
Find……………hunt fer it
Go to………….over yonder
Back……………back yonder
Help…………..hep me out here
Stop……………kwitit (WHOA!)
Start…………crank’er up
Settings……….settins
Programs……… stuff at duz stuff
Documents……. .stuff ah done did

Also note that the Arkansas EDITION does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks. Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 2005:

Tiperiter…………a word processing program
Colerin’ Book………………a graphics program
Cyferin’ Mersheen…………calculator
Outhouse Paper…………….notepad
Inner-net………………….Microsoft explorer 5.0
Pitchers……………………a graphics viewer

We regret any inconvenience it may have caused. If you received a copy of the Arkansas EDITION, you may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.

I hope this helps all y’all!

Billy Bob Gates

Get ‘er done !

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Thanksgiving

Why do turkeys eat so little?
They’re always stuffed!

Why was the United Nations
worried when a waiter
dropped a platter of turkey?
It meant the fall of Turkey,
the ruin of Greece,
and the break-up of China.

Why were the cranberries red?
They saw the turkey dressing!

What type of key do
you use on Thanksgiving?
A tur-key!

What type of music
did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth ROCK!

What was the turkey doing in
the Thanksgiving Day Parade?
Play the drumsticks!

Why is turkey a good holiday food?
You can gobble it up!

How do you feel after
going to a Thanksgiving feast?
Chili!

Why do turkeys go
gobble, gobble?
Because they never learned
their table manners!

Which side of a turkey
are the feathers on?
On the outside!

don’t forget to pass the riddles along
to your friends, family and co-workers

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Tetanus

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up
from the couch
then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,
“Where are you going?”

He replies, “I’m going to the doctor.”

She says, “Why, are you sick?”

He says, “Nope, I’m going to get me some of that
Viagra stuff.”

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning
herself to get
out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, “Where the h*ll are you going”?

She answers, “I’m going to the doctor, too.”

He says, “Why, what do you need?”

She says, “If you’re going to start using that rusty
old thing, I’m
getting a tetanus shot.”

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Snowman

Where does a Snowman go to Dance?

To the Snow Ball!

What does a Snowman eat for Breakfast?

Snow Flakes.

How does a Snowman travel around the Neighborhood?

He rides his icycle.

What does a Snowman take when he is sick?

A Chill Pill.

What is a Snowman’s favorite Drink?

Iced Tea!

What kind of Hat does a Snowman wear?

An Ice Cap.

What do you call a Snowman in the Tropics?

Lost!

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Christmas Party

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo’s Christmas party ?
Freeze a jolly fellow !

What party game did Jekyll like best ?
Hyde and Seek !

Did you hear about the man who went to the fancy dress party as a bone ?
A dog ate him in the hall !

What would you do if you saw Dracula, Frankenstein & The Swamp Thing ?
Hope they were going as a fancy dress party !

Why couldn’t the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ?
It was a moth ball !

How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party ?
Chick to chick !

Did you hear about Dracula’s Christmas party ?
It was a scream !

Did you hear about the party with lots of fireworks, balloons & crackers ?
It went with a bang !

What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ?
Fancy a bite ?

Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the
Christmas Party ?
He had no body to go with !

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About Christmas

What do monkeys sing at Christmas ?
Jungle Bells, Jungle bells.. !

Why are Christmas trees like bad knitters ?
They both drop their needles !

What’s Christmas called in England ?
Yule Britannia !

What did the bald man say when he got a comb for Christmas ?
Thanks, I’ll never part with it !

Why is a burning candle like being thirsty ?
Beacause a little water ends both of them !

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ?
A pineapple !

What do you give a train driver for Christmas ?
Platform shoes !

What did the big candle say to the little candle ?
I’m going out tonight !

Whats happens to you at Christmas ?
Yule be happy !

How long does it take to burn a candle down ?
About a wick !

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