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Archive for April 9th, 2008

Thanksgiving

What key has legs and can’t open doors?
A Turkey.

Gobbler said, “Doctor, help me! I can’t stop acting like a turkey!”
“I see,” said the doctor. “How long have you had this problem?”
“Let me think a second. Mom laid the egg in 1954…”

What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children?
If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken’s day off.

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their AGE

Why can’t you take a turkey to church?
Because they use such FOWL language

What are the feathers on a turkey’s wings called?
Turkey feathers

What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?
The turkey trot

Can a turkey jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Yes – a building can’t jump at all

What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for Thanksgiving

How can you make a turkey float?
You need 2 scoops of ice cream, some root beer, and a turkey

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
Plymouth Rock

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers?
The outside

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
Because he had the drumsticks

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play

What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?
The turKEY

What did the turkey say before it was roasted?
Boy! I’m stuffed!

Where did the first corn come from?
The stalk brought it

Why did the Indian chief wear so many feathers?
To keep his wigwam

What happened to the Pilgrim who was shot at by an Indian?
He had an arrow escape

How did the Mayflower show that it liked America?
It hugged the shore

Thanks, for a country where nobody is allowed to mind his own business. Thanks, for a nation of finks.
— William S. Burroughs, “A Thanksgiving Prayer”

Michael Dresser in his Baltimore Sun Paper’s wine column, Vintage Point, writing about the difficulty of recommending wine for Thanksgiving dinner writes:-
Thanksgiving is America’s national chow-down feast – the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty. (In France, by contrast there are three such days: Heir, Aujourd’hui and Demain.)

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Friar Florists

Some friars were behind in their belfry payments, so
they opened a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God,
the rival florist across town thought the competition
was unfair.
He asked the good fathers to close down, but they
would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.
They ignored him. He asked his mother to go ask the
friars to get out of business. They ignored her. So, the
rival florist hired HUGH Mac Taggart, the roughest and
most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close.
Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store,
saying he’d be back if they didn’t close shop. Terrified,
the friars did so.
The Moral of the Story: Wait for it….
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars !!

 

 

 

 

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Love Military style

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was
no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in
attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation.

She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to
be a very serious man.
Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just
serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations
and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a
lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a
conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a
little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious
manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you
don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time
you had sex?”

The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.”

She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to
chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I
mean, no sex since 1955! Isn’t that a little extreme?”

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his
matter-of-fact voice,”You think so? It’s only 2130
now.”

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Email Mistake

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

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