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Archive for April, 2008

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria,
BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of grade 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

He called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

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Math Troubles

Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had
tried everything — tutors, flash cards, special learning
centers — in short, everything they could think of.
Finally, in a last ditch effort, they enrolled Tommy in
the local Catholic school.

After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very
serious look on his face. He didn’t even kiss his mother
hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started
studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the
room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was
amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her utter
amazement, the minute he was done eating he marched
back to his room without a word, and in no time he was
back to hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while his
mother tried to understand what was making all the
difference.

Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card.
He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his
room to hit the books. With great trepidation, his
mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy
got an A in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said, “Son, what is it?
Is it the nuns?”

Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head “no.”

“Well then,” she replied, “is it the books, the
discipline, the structure, the uniforms, what is it?”

Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, on the
first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to
the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fooling around!”

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Noahs Ark

ALL WE REALLY NEED TO KNOW WE LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK

Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

“Stop what you are doing, and do what God says!”

Build your future on high ground.

Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat.

Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that
needs to be done.

Don’t miss the boat.

For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

If you can’t fight or flee — float!

If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

No matter how bleak it looks, there’s always a rainbow
on the other side.

No matter the storm, when you are with God, there’s
always a rainbow waiting.

Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.

Remember that amateurs built the ark and professionals
built the Titanic.

Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a
bigger threat than the storm outside.

Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic
by professionals.

Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on
board, but so were the snails.

Stay below deck during the storm.

Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask
you to do something really big.

Take care of your animals as if they were the last
ones on earth.

Two heads are better than one.

When the doo-doo gets really deep, don’t sit there and
complain — shovel!!!

When you’re stressed, float a while.

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Those holiday treats took a toll on ya’
Didn’t they? And now……you’re

And paying for all those goodies you just had to
eat.

Well guess what is on the plate for your
Next meal ! You get to………

Now don’t panic and

Cause its almost the new year and
All you have to do is use some good ol’

And out run that

And keep em’ New Year’s resolution.

If you just follow this plan you’ll

And be back to normal…..after
Two bottles of Rolaids…….one round
Of laxatives……….walking 3 miles every
Morning….and having your mouth wired shut.

HOPE YOU CAN KEEP EM’ RESOLUTIONS !

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Opening Night

It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Eileen was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do her stuff.

As the Amazing Eileen took to the stage, she announced, “Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”

The excitement was almost electric as the Amazing Eileen withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from her coat.

“I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations.”

She began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, “Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch…. ” The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. “sh*t,” said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre.

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The Bull

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher
was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the
prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, “Boys, we all know I’ve been here
5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on
which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don’t know
where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I
ain’t’ givin’ him any of mine.”

The second bull says, “That pretty much says it for
me, too. I’ve been here 3 years and have earned my right
to the 50 cows we’ve agreed are mine. I’ll fight ‘im
till I run him off or kill ‘im, but I’M KEEPIN’ ALL MY
COWS.”

The third bull says, “I’ve only been here a year, and
so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to “take
care of”. I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but
I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY
cows.”

They had just finished their big talk when an
eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with
only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull
these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he
took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the
breaking point.

The first bull says, “Ahem…You know, it’s actually
been some time since I really felt I was doing all my
cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our
new friend.”

The second bull says, “I’ll have plenty of cows to
take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the
pasture from HIM. I’m certainly not looking for an
argument.”

They look over at their young friend, the third bull,
and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and
snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, “Son, let me give you some advice
real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to
tell about it.”

The third bull says, “Heck, he can have ALL my cows.
I’m just making sure he knows I’M a bull!”

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The Zipper

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady

cashier walked up to him and said, “Your barracks door is open.”

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a

bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said,

“Your fly is open.”

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady

was that told him about his “barracks door.” He was planning to have

a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, “When

you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?”

The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and

said “No, no I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags”.

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